Warriors Parodyzied!
by Galestorm Brushfire's Loyalty
Summary: Whitestorm is gangsta and Tigerstars new name is Evil! Bluestar keeps getting struck by lighting bolts, and every other cat is randoooooom! R&R!
1. Into the wild

**Full credit goes to Raincloud/Rainpelt the ultimate parody queen!! Fire and Ice is next!!**

**INTO THE WILD**

Tigerclaw: I'm evil!  
Oakheart: Hi, Evil!  
Evil (Tigerclaw): Wanna fight over sunningrocks?  
Oakheart: Sure! (Play fights)  
Silverstream: Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to ME!  
Evil: Hey, you're not supposed to show up until Fire and Ice!  
Oakheart: (Dramatically) What's wrong with you, Erin Hunter?  
Evil: This isn't being written by Erin Hunter.  
Oakheart: Then . . . who's writing it? (All heads turn to Raincloud)  
Raincloud: . . .  
Silverstream: This is my private birthday party so get off, or else.  
Evil: Or else what?  
RiverClan Cats: (Point tranquilizers at ThunderClan cats)  
Redtail: Retreat! Retreat!  
Evil: We're not really in battle.  
Redtail: I just like the word. Retreat! Retreat!  
Evil: You heard him, Retreat! Retreat!  
Redtail: You're getting the hang of it!  
Evil/Redtail: Retreat! Retreat!  
Evil: By the way, I'm planning to kill you so I can become deputy.  
Redtail: SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!  
Evil/Redtail: Retreat! Retreat!  
BACK AT THE THUNDERCLAN CAMP  
Spottedleaf: Look, Bluestar, a shooting star!  
Bluestar: It's just an illusion. We see things and then we use our imagination to make it look like some kind of sign from starclan . . . (Lightning bolt hits her) . . . ow.  
Spottedleaf: It means Fire alone will save our clan.  
Bluestar: FIRE?! Fire is feared by all. Even twolegs. StarClan is wrong . . . (Lightning bolt hits her) . . . and nothing I just said was true.  
Rustman: Here mousey, mousey!  
Mouse: Squeak.  
Rustman: I'm gonna eat you, mousey, mousey!  
Mouse: Squeak.  
Rustman: (Pounces at mouse)  
Mouse: (Points tranquilizer at Rustman)  
Rustman: WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! (Wakes up) . . . Oy . . . my mother did say I had the weirdest dreams . . . (goes outside)  
Smudge: Geithpqghurgtrghrugmwcnmkhwogrufarghp?  
Rustman: No, I don't want to chew Henry's food for him.  
Smudge: Higheqpeirfarfwruhwcmowphvnoehgrugfcnvb?  
Rustman: NO! WHY WOULD I GO INTO THE WILD?!  
Smudge: Uh . . . Johriupewrh.  
Rustman: (Kicks Smudge and sends him flying)  
Smudge: (While soaring over twoleg nests) Koirghqpeeeeerd!!  
Rustman: Whatever. (Climbs over fence) . . . Uh, Graypaw, that's your cue to, you know, attack me.  
Graypaw: Why am I always late? (Exposes Nintendo DS)  
Rustman: Just attack me.  
Graypaw: (Takes out sword) Yaaaah!  
Rustman: (Cuts Graypaw's sword in half)  
Graypaw: Where'd you get the lightsaber?  
Rustman: Well . . .  
MOVIE CLIP OF STAR WARS: RUSTMAN STEALS LIGHTSABER FROM DARTH VADOR (I don't own Star Wars)  
Bluestar: Was that Star Wars?  
Rustman: Actually, Ye-  
Bluestar: Warriors DON'T watch twoleg movies . . . (Lightning bolt hits her) . . . perhaps we shall have a Star Wars movie party!  
ThunderClan: Hoorah!  
Lionheart: We wouldn't want to leave you out, Rustman. Join our clan.  
Graypaw: He's a kittypet. He can't join our clan . . . (Lightning bolt hits him) . . . hey, I thought only Bluestar gets hit by those.  
Bluestar: That's because you . . . (Lightning bolt hits her) . . . Rustman, join our clan.  
Rustman: Okay.  
Bluestar: Great. Lionheart, you'll be picking him up.  
Lionheart: WHY ME?!

Rustman: Here, mousey, mousey!  
Mouse: Squeak.  
Rustman: I'm gonna eat you, mousey, mousey!  
Mouse: Squeak.  
Rustman: (pounces at mouse)  
Mouse: (points tranquilizer at Rustman)  
Rustman: (claws his own face) WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAIT ONE SECOND THERE ARE CATS WATCHING ME! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! . . . (Wakes up) . . . Oy . . . (Goes outside).  
Smudge: Hroweifhasdoghei432prug0qhfdp2djhfighepfhehghrpad?  
Rustman: Yes, I'm going to live in the wild.  
Smudge: Rrrrrrrruehpqtieuthqp4iuthey4utye433333333333333333333?!  
Rustman: Bye!  
Smudge: Uppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp!!  
Rustman: (Climbs over fence) where are you?  
Lionheart: I'm right here. (Comes out from behind a tree) Guess who else is here.  
Rustman: (Sniffs) . . . AAAAAAAAAAH! SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW!  
Lionheart: Yeah, it's Whitestorm.  
Whitestorm: Yo, what's crackalackin homie?  
Rustman: You're weird.  
Whitestorm: Aw, you just trippin'.  
Rustman: Sorry. Will you forgive me?  
Whitestorm: DAWG!  
Lionheart: That means yes. Let's go.  
Rustman: (Trying to move but is stuck in quicksand) HELP MEEEE!  
Lionheart: (Already deep into the forest with Whitestorm) what was that noise, Whitestorm?  
Whitestorm: Uh . . . dunno.  
Rustman: HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
Lionheart: Hmm . . . must be some treecut monster.  
Rustman: SOMEBODY, HELP MEEEEEEEE! (Head gets buried in quicksand)  
Lionheart: (Back at the camp) Bluestar, we lost Rustman. He was such a wimp. He could barely keep up with us.  
Rustman: (Comes into the camp spitting out sand) Yeah, thanks for the help, guys.  
Lionheart: You're welcome!  
Bluestar: LIONHEART! WHITESTORM! YOU TWO ARE SO IMATURE!  
Lionheart/Whitestorm: Sorry, Bluestar.  
Longtail: KITTYPET! KITTYPET!  
Lionheart: Longtail, you don't say that yet!  
Longtail: Oops.  
Bluestar: (Goes onto the highrock) all cats old enough to catch their own prey join under the highrock for a clan meeting.  
Lionheart: Why does Bluestar have to be so serious and stuff? I mean, this is supposed to be a humorous fan-fic.  
Bluestar: We found this cat in the forest and he agreed to join our clan.  
Lionheart: NOW you can say it, Longtail!  
Longtail: KITTYPET! KITTY-  
Whitestorm: We get it, homie!  
Lionheart: (Whispers into Rustman's ear) fight him, for cryin' out loud!  
Rustman: (Attacks Longtail)  
Longtail: AIEE! (Scratches Rustman badly)  
Rustman: HISS! (Cuts Longtail's ear)  
Longtail: OW! (Pulls on Rustman's collar)  
Lionheart: This is so boring. Let's make it a little more fun . . . (Throws dynamite at Longtail and Rustman)  
Longtail/Rustman: (Froze as they stared at the dynamite right next to them) uh . . . oh . . .  
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!  
RUSTMAN AND LONGTAIL STAND THERE WITH SINGED FUR, RUSTMAN'S COLLAR FALLS ON HIS HEAD AND LANDS ON THE GROUND, AND THE TIP OF RUSTMAN'S TAIL IS ON FIRE  
Bluestar: It's a sign from StarClan! The collar was ripped from Rustman's neck, so it means he's no longer a kittypet, and Rustman's apprentice name shall be Firepaw because the tip of his tail is in flames . . . (Rainstorm comes and washes the fire out). . . I mean . . . because of his flame colored pelt.  
Firepaw: That's cool.  
Graypaw: That was awesome, dude.  
Firepaw: Really? You thought my fighting was cool?  
Graypaw: NO! I mean, I just won my video game.  
Firepaw: Awesome! What game is it? (Looks at Graypaw's Nintendo DS screens) hey, the twoleg kits at my twoleg nest played that game all the time!  
Graypaw: (Throws DS into the bushes) I never played it and I never will.  
Mysterious Noise: AIEE!  
Graypaw: Uh . . . oh.  
Ravenpaw: (Comes into the camp with a party hat on his head, cake frosting on his mouth, and silly string on his pelt) OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG REDTAIL IS DEAD!

Bluestar: Are you sure, Ravenpaw? You look like you've just been to a . . . you know . . . BIRTHDAY PARTY!  
Ravenpaw: (Grins) yeah . . . about that-  
Bluestar: Just . . . tell me about the party later . . . (Lightning bolt hits her) . . . do tell!  
Ravenpaw: Well, since Silverstream couldn't have her birthday party a few sunrises ago, she had it today. We all joined the party and it was REALLY fun! Oakheart and Evil played Candy Land and Oakheart beat him!  
Bluestar: Grr . . . OAKHEART IS A GREAT WARRIOR AND THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT HIM HAVING TO PLAY CANDY LAND!  
The Rest of ThunderClan: . . .  
Bluestar: . . . I've said too much.  
Ravenpaw: Then Evil got angry because he lost and he started to fight and then rocks fell on Oakheart, then he died-  
Bluestar: HE DIED?! (Faints)  
Ravenpaw: O . . . K . . . I thought I was supposed to faint, not Bluestar. Anyway, then Evil pushed me under some rocks, then he told me to come back here, then I saw Evil kill Redtail- (Gets shot by a tranquilizer)  
Evil: (Holding Redtail in his teeth) I DIDN'T KILL HIM . . . OAKHEART DID!  
Bluestar: (After being conscious again) OAKHEART KILLED SOMEONE?! (Faints)  
Spottedleaf: I thought I only had to treat Ravenpaw for passing out, but NOOO! Bluestar had to faint too! (Drags both of them into her den)  
Graypaw: . . . so . . . what do we do now?  
Evil: Make me deputy!  
Whitestorm: Cool it, dawg, ol' Bluey sick and it's not moon-up yet!  
Graypaw: Oh, Firepaw, did I ever mention to you that Whitestorm read a book about teenage slang?  
Firepaw: GASP No!  
Graypaw: YES! Also, Evil's name used to be Tigerclaw.  
Firepaw: No!  
Graypaw: YES, and one more thing . . . it was totally obvious that Evil was going to kill Redtail, but only Bluestar wouldn't believe him.  
Firepaw: No . . . why was it so obvious?  
Graypaw: Well . . .  
MOVIE CLIP OF THE THUNDERCLAN CAMP YESTERDAY: EVIL RUNS IN CIRCLES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLEARING SHOUTING "I'M GONNA KILL REDTAIL! I'M GONNA KILL REDTAIL!"  
Firepaw: Oh.  
Dustpaw: NOOOO! Redtail! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!  
Graypaw: Dustpaw was Redtail's apprentice.  
Firepaw: Oh.  
Graypaw: You can't go to his funeral because you didn't know him long enough.  
Firepaw: Aw.  
Sandpaw: Do I HAVE to sleep with that kittypet stench our den?  
Whitestorm: Yeah, homeslice, ya do!  
Graypaw: Sandpaw is Whitestorm's apprentice.  
Firepaw: Why would anyone give Whitestorm an apprentice?  
Whitestorm: 'Cause if I were any cooler . . . I'd be frozen!  
Firepaw: O . . . K . . .  
Evil: (Prodding Ravenpaw with a long claw) GET UP!  
Firepaw: WOWZERS! That's a long claw!  
Graypaw: I wouldn't want to get in a fight with him.  
Spottedleaf: . . .  
Evil: (Punches Ravenpaw) WAKE UP!  
Firepaw: Ow. I'm glad I'm not Ravenpaw.  
Graypaw: Isn't Spottedleaf going to do something about this. She's right next to him!  
Spottedleaf: . . .  
Evil: (Whacks Ravenpaw with a yardstick) (Between whacks) GET – UP – RAVEN – PAW!  
Firepaw: (Flinches) OUCH! That's gotta hurt!  
Graypaw: Yeah. (Takes out a megaphone and shouts into it) SPOTTEDLEAF! WHAT EVIL IS DOING TO RAVENPAW IS WRONG!  
Spottedleaf: Gimme that! (Takes yardstick and breaks it)  
Firepaw: Finally, Spottedleaf is actually doing something to help Ravenpaw.  
Spottedleaf: Yardsticks are so old school. Use this! (Gives Evil Firepaw's lightsaber)  
Firepaw: HEY, that's MY lightsaber.  
Spottedleaf: So? What are YOU gonna do about it . . . (looks at Firepaw) . . . You're cute!  
Firepaw: (Flicks hair) Thanks.  
Spottedleaf: Here. (Gives lightsaber to Firepaw)  
Firepaw: Thank you very . . . much. Hey, why does it say "I LOVE U" on here?  
Spottedleaf: SHHHH!  
Firepaw: Sorry.  
Lionheart: Hey! Bluestar's conscious again!  
Bluestar: Yes, and I shall give Redtail his funeral now.  
THE MOURNERS GATHER BY REDTAIL AND BLUESTAR  
Bluestar: Oh, Redtail, you've been a great deputy . . .  
Whitestorm: LET'S PARTY! (Mourners form a conga line)  
Mourners: Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!  
Bluestar: GUYS! Can we have a little self control, here?  
Lionheart: Uh . . . I don't think so. We're insane!  
Mourners: YEAH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!  
Bluestar: Why must I lead a clan full of idiots?  
Whitestorm: Don't know homie.  
Bluestar: Anyway, I will announce the new deputy that will be . . . drum roll please!  
Drum Roll Guy: TRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTR . . . (Symbols Crash)  
Bluestar: Lionheart!  
Lionheart: Yay!  
Evil: Why not ME?!  
Bluestar: You whacked Ravenpaw with a yardstick!  
Evil: Drat. I knew I should've used the lightsaber.  
Graypaw: Hey, Firepaw, want to have a mouse?  
Firepaw: Sure. (Eats mouse and then bounces off the camp walls) THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO COOL! What are the ingredients?  
Graypaw: . . . mouse . . . ?  
Firepaw: Oh.  
Sandpaw: Don't sleep near me tonight.  
Firepaw: Okay. I'm a member of ThunderClan now.  
Graypaw: Dude, that was totally random.

Firepaw: I start training today. Yipee!  
Graypaw: Yipee!  
Firepaw: (Happy dances near Sandpaw)  
Sandpaw: HEY! I told you to stay away from me.  
Firepaw: Sorry.  
Graypaw: Ravenpaw's not training with us today because the tranquilizer is still affecting him.  
Firepaw: How . . . ?  
ZOOMS INTO SPOTTEDLEAF'S DEN  
Ravenpaw: Feiuefiehrpgwhfgfjvei8tpargqp383grehielhgrui390o0!  
Spottedleaf: SHUT UP! I'M BUSY DAYDREAMING ABOUT FIREPAW!  
ZOOMS BACK INTO THE APPRENTICES DEN  
Firepaw: Oh, so THAT'S what happened to Smudge . . .  
Graypaw: Who's Smudge?  
Firepaw: Nobody.  
Graypaw: (Looks at the sun) Oh, no! We're late!  
FIREPAW AND GRAYPAW RUN TO EVIL AND LIONHEART  
Evil: Don't be late next time.  
Graypaw: Okay.  
Lionheart: Chill, Evil. It was a busy night and I'm sure they were tired.  
Evil: Tired, shmired! Warriors are ALWAYS on time no matter what.  
Firepaw: Okey-dokey!  
Evil: So . . . what do we do first?  
Lionheart: You're one of their mentors. YOU were supposed to plan our training session today!  
Evil: Okay, let's watch a video of me killing Redtail!  
Graypaw: . . . err . . . that's not exactly training.  
Firepaw: Yeah. That's just watching you look powerful.  
Lionheart: How about we give them a tour around ThunderClan territory.  
Firepaw/Graypaw: YEAH!  
Evil: But be vewy qwiet . . . dair might be cat-eating wabbits owt dair.  
Graypaw: AIEE!  
Cat-Eating-Rabbit: RAAAAAARW!  
Evil: Didn't I just tell you to be quiet?  
Graypaw: I thought you were just kidding!  
Cat-Eating-Rabbit: RAAAAAARW!  
Firepaw: Hold me! (Jumps into Graypaw's arms)  
Graypaw: (Drops Firepaw)  
Firepaw: MREOW!  
Cat-Eating-Rabbit: RAAAAAARW!  
Graypaw: Hold me! (Attempts to jump into Firepaw's arms but just falls in front of him) MREOW!  
Lionheart: Run!  
Evil: No! We are warriors. We stand and fight.  
Cat-Eating-Rabbit: RAAAAAARW! (Breaths fire on Evil)  
Evil: LET'S GO LET'S GO LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Runs back to camp with the others)  
Bluestar: So, were you four able to do anything productive?  
Firepaw: Well . . . we did find a giant Cat-Eating-Rabbit.  
Bluestar: Stop making jokes. There are no such things as cat-eating-rabbits!  
Cat-Eating-Rabbit: RAAAAAARW!  
Bluestar: . . . I . . . stand . . . corrected.  
THE NEXT MORNING  
Ravenpaw: I'm normal again!  
Lionheart: Okay everyone. We're going to learn hunting skills.  
Ravenpaw/Firepaw/Graypaw: YEAH!  
Evil: Show us your best hunting stalks.  
Graypaw: Okay, guys, you know what to do. (Ravenpaw and Firepaw nod)  
Ravenpaw/Firepaw: (Hum background music) OOOOOOOOH . . .  
Graypaw: (Singing just like Gabriella in High School Musical (which I don't own)) it's funny when you find yourself lookin' from the outside . . .  
Lionheart: (As Graypaw's still singing) that's not a hunting stalk.  
Evil: I'm touched; I never knew Graypaw was such a good singer. (Cries)  
Graypaw: (Singing) why did I let myself believe miracles could happen? 'Cause now I have to pretend that I don't really care . . .  
Lionheart: Alright stop! (DJ scratching noise) Do you even know what a hunting stalk is?  
Graypaw: (Still in his 'Gabriella' voice) uh, no sir . . . (back to normal voice) I mean . . . no sir.  
Lionheart: Fine. Then I'll show you what a hunting stalk is. Try to copy exactly what I do. (Trips over a rock)  
Ravenpaw/Firepaw/Graypaw: (Shrug their shoulders then trip over rocks)  
Lionheart: (Slaps face) Oy vey.  
Ravenpaw/Firepaw/Graypaw: (Slap their faces) Oy vey.  
Lionheart: STOP COPPYING ME!  
Ravenpaw/Firepaw/Graypaw: STOP COPPYING ME!  
Evil: Stop copying Lionheart, guys.  
Graypaw: Why didn't you just say so?  
Lionheart: Just try to do this. (Does hunting stalk)  
Ravenpaw/Firepaw/Graypaw: (Do perfect hunting stalks)  
Lionheart: I'm impressed! Apprentices usually don't get it the first time.  
Evil: Even I can't argue with that.  
Lionheart: Try to catch some food.  
Ravenpaw/Firepaw/Graypaw: Okey-dokey!  
Firepaw: (Somewhere in the forest by himself) hmm . . . where should I look first?  
Cat-Eating-Rabbit: RAAAAAAWR!  
Firepaw: I'm gonna make sure you don't harm ANY cat in this forest! Gr-aaar! (Kills Cat-Eating-Rabbit) Yay, I'm now a true ThunderClan apprentice!

AT THE THUNDERCLAN CAMP  
Ravenpaw/Evil: (Come into the camp)  
Ravenpaw: I caught a mouse! (Drops mouse in fresh-kill pile)  
Graypaw/Lionheart: (Come into the camp)  
Graypaw: I caught a vole! (Drops vole in fresh-kill pile)  
Firepaw: (Breaks open the camp wall trying to bring in a giant cat-eating-rabbit) I caught a giant cat-eating-rabbit! (Drags rabbit over to the fresh-kill pile)  
ThunderClan: (Stare at Firepaw)  
Random ThunderClanner: (Faints)  
Firepaw: (Grins)  
Bluestar: Now we shall have enough fresh kill for many moons!  
ThunderClan: Yay!  
Bluestar: . . . err . . . now we can continue our clan duties.  
ThunderClan: Oh. (Walk away)  
TWO MOONS LATER  
Firepaw: Hey, a mouse! (Mouse runs away) Who's there?  
Graypaw: (Attacks Firepaw)  
Firepaw: Hey! You scared off my lunch!  
Graypaw: Sorry. I'm just on my way to my first solo assignment. Bravely going up to a WindClan patrol and taking them my message.  
Firepaw: I must hunt for the clan.  
Graypaw: Okay. Bye.  
Firepaw: Bye. (Once Graypaw is out of sight, heads toward the thunderpath) Hmm . . . I wonder what it feels like. (Puts a paw on the path then a monster runs over it) Ow! Can't you see my paw was on there . . .  
ACROSS THE THUNDERPATH, FIREPAW DISCOVERS A SHE-CAT PLAYING A VIOLIN. EVEN THE AUTHOR HAS MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS. THE FIRST QUESTION WOULD BE HOW THE CAT COULD HOLD THE VIOLIN. MAYBE THERE'S JUST A NEW GENERATION OF CATS WITH POSEIBLE THUMBS.  
Firepaw: It's a ShadowClan cat! Cool.

Firepaw: (After a monster passes, the she-cat mysteriously disappears) Maybe I should just leave.  
Yellowfang: AIEE! (Attacks Firepaw)  
Firepaw: Ah!  
Yellowfang: You've discovered my deep dark secret!  
Firepaw: What deep dark secret?!  
Yellowfang: That I can play the violin.  
Firepaw: I thought ALL ShadowClan cats could play the violin.  
Yellowfang: That's a myth, dumb apprentice.  
Firepaw: Grr . . . (Cuts Yellowfang's fangs off)  
Yellowfang: How did you do that? My mouth wasn't even open!  
Firepaw: You can call me a kittypet, you can call me small, but call me dumb and FEEL MY WRATH!  
Yellowfang: . . . wow. I'm hungry.  
Firepaw: (Holding a rabbit in his jaws) Here's a rabbit we can share!  
Yellowfang: How did you get the rabbit so fast?  
Firepaw: I stopped time.  
Yellowfang: . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . . HAHA . . . Ah . . . no, seriously.  
Firepaw: Really, it was just sitting next to me. Then I killed it.  
Yellowfang: Ah.  
Evil: FIREPAW!  
Firepaw: Oops. I just realized that I just broke the warrior code, which is really bad, especially if you are a cat living with one of the clans.  
Bluestar: What's going on here?  
Yellowfang: I can't play the violin!  
Firepaw: YES SHE CAN-  
Yellowfang: Yeah, thanks man.  
Bluestar: YOU CAN?!  
Evil: (Takes out a cell phone and dials numbers) Hello? Is this World News? Yes, we have a violin-playing cat right here!  
Yellowfang/Firepaw/Bluestar: (Stare in horror)  
World News Operator: (Listens to cat noises) Uh . . . hello?  
Evil: Wait, IT'S A TWOLEG! AAAAAAAAAH! (Smashes his cell phone with a hammer)  
Yellowfang: Phew!  
Evil: We MUST announce this at the gathering!  
Yellowfang: (Faints)  
Bluestar: Wait one second . . . your fangs, they got cut off!  
Firepaw: I cut them off!  
Bluestar: I'm angry with you that you broke the warrior code, but you attacked well.  
Firepaw: So I'm off the hook-  
Bluestar: NOOOO way!  
Firepaw: Aw . . .  
Bluestar: From now on, your name shall be Nofang.  
Nofang (Yellowfang): Sweet. The name Yellowfang did seem kind of gross, like they were implying that my teeth weren't clean.  
Firepaw: They aren't clean.  
Nofang: SHUT UP, LOWLY APPRENTICE!  
Firepaw: Am shutting up! (Does zip-lips-and-throw-away-key sign) . . . !! . . . (Runs after the place he threw his imaginary key)  
Bluestar: I lead a clan of idiots.  
Nofang: Our clan had idiots!  
Bluestar: What a coincidence. We both have clans with idiots.  
Nofang/Bluestar: (Do a secret handshake)  
Evil: You're saying that I'M and idiot?!  
Bluestar: Well, you want to train apprentices by having them watch videos of you, you try calling twolegs, you whack Ravenpaw with a yardstick, and you run around the camp saying "I'm gonna kill Redtail!"  
Evil: Would that be what an idiot would do?  
Nofang/Bluestar: (Nod their heads slowly)  
Firepaw: (Returns and sits by the other three cats)  
Bluestar: . . .  
Evil: . . .  
Firepaw: . . .  
Nofang: . . .  
Bluestar: Let's all go back to camp.  
BACK AT THE CAMP LATER  
Bluestar: . . . And that's the whole story.  
Mousefur: Are you sure you didn't hit your head on a low hanging branch, Bluestar? 'Cause it's kind of impossible for a cat to play the violin.  
Nofang: (Plays the violin)  
Mousefur: (Faints)  
Spottedleaf: Oh, great. More cats to look after.  
Bluestar: So Firepaw's punishment will be to look after Nofang.  
Firepaw: EW!  
Nofang: Aw, you don't have to take care of me. I have good personal hygiene.  
MOVIE CLIP OF SHADOWCLAN CAMP YESTERDAY: NOFANG'S FUR IS NOT GROOMED, SHE TALKED TO SOMEONE AND THEY RAN OFF SQUEALING "MY NOSE! AAAAAAH" AND SHE SCRATCHED HER ARMPITS AND THEN TOOK A NAP  
Graypaw: Yeah, that's good personal hygiene alright.  
Longtail: Outsiders ALWAYS bring trouble.  
Lionheart: Someone give this guy a script.  
Longtail: I'm early again? Shoot.  
Bluestar: Also, I will mentor Firepaw.  
ThunderClan: Lucky!  
Spottedleaf: No fair. Why can't he become a medicine cat apprentice? I LOVE him-  
Bluestar: WHAT did you just say?  
Spottedleaf: Nothing.  
Longtail: Can I say it yet?  
Lionheart: YES, NOW you can say it.  
Longtail: (Narrows eyes at Firepaw) Outsiders ALWAYS bring trouble.

Graypaw: You should help Nofang.  
Firepaw: Okey-dokey!  
Nofang: I feel so humiliated being cared for by a KITTYPET!  
Firepaw: Grr . . .  
Nofang: You said earlier that I could call you kittypet.  
Firepaw: Well, I changed my mind! (Unsheathes claws)  
Nofang: You'll be in even more trouble if you attack me.  
Firepaw: True.  
Nofang: GET ME SOME POPPY SEEDS!  
Firepaw: OKAY! OKAY! (Walks to Spottedleaf)  
Spottedleaf: Look, cat, I don't want to be bothered right now . . . oh, hello, Firepaw!  
Firepaw: I need poppy seeds for Nofang.  
Spottedleaf: Whatever you say.  
Firepaw: Isn't it against the warrior code for you to fall in love-  
Spottedleaf: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!  
Firepaw: Sorry. (Runs off with poppy seeds)  
Nofang: Now . . . GET ME SOME FOOD!  
THREE DAYS LATER  
Dustpaw: You can't train today because you're taking care of Nofang! HAHA!  
Sandpaw: Yeah. Maybe you should be Spottedleaf's apprentice.  
Spottedleaf: GASP Yay!  
Firepaw: I'll be back to warrior training soon, though.  
Spottedleaf: Mouse dung.  
Firepaw: Uh, Spottedleaf, I'll need some stuff to take care of Nofang . . .  
NEXT FEW THINGS HAPPENING WHILE FIREPAW IS CARING FOR NOFANG  
Whitestorm: (Randomly walks over to Willowpelt) Hello, dadio! You are one cool cat!  
Willowpelt: Dadio? But I'm a SHE-cat!  
Whitestorm: Anyway, what's crackalakin', homie?  
Willowpelt: (Backs away slowly) you're scaring me . . .  
LATER  
Birdman: (Runs through the clearing)  
Halftail: . . . O . . . K . . . ?  
Firepaw: I'm done!  
Graypaw: Hey, Firepaw, Ravenpaw impressed Evil today!  
Firepaw: How?  
Ravenpaw: Oh, Graypaw. All I did was sprout wings, fly to the moon, get some ice cream from Florida for everyone in the twoleg world, fly back here, then battle with the leader of RiverClan.  
Firepaw: How could THAT impress Evil?  
Evil: Because I like pencils.  
Firepaw: That makes sense.  
Graypaw/Ravenpaw: (Confused looks on their faces)  
Firepaw: Oh, mouse dung! I just realized that I haven't given Nofang her daily dose of beer yet.  
Graypaw: I'll do it for you.  
Firepaw: I'M supposed to do it!  
Graypaw: Do you want to not do this or not?  
Firepaw: Okay, you do it.  
Graypaw: Yay!  
Evil: HALT! Who goes there?!  
Graypaw: Firepaw!  
Evil: Enter.  
Graypaw: Okay.  
Evil: But first, you must drink that beer you are holding.  
Graypaw: But it's illegal to drink alcohol unless you're a warrior.  
Evil: And why exactly did they call me Evil?  
Graypaw: Okay . . . (drinks beer) . . . I like chocolate! Doopey, doopey, doo!  
Nofang: WHERE'S MY BUD LIGHT?! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!  
Firepaw: (Runs up to Graypaw) Graypaw! Are you okay?  
Graypaw: Gimme some of your poetry and I will send you to Kenya.  
Firepaw: Wha . . . ?  
Nofang: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

Firepaw: I had the worst night EVER! I dreamed that I had to take care of a cat named Nofang, and there were all these moaning sounds all night, and there was Birdman, and . . . and . . .  
Nofang: (In Firepaw's face) Surprise.  
Firepaw: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
Nofang: Now give me some new bedding.  
Firepaw: Okey-dokey!  
Bluestar: Leave THAT to the queens. You need some warrior training.  
Firepaw: Really! YEEES! I'M FREE FROM MEDICINE CAT TORTURE!  
Spottedleaf: NOOO! I liked having Firepaw come to my den all the time!  
AT THEIR FAVORITE TREESTUMP  
Graypaw: We're being tested today.  
Firepaw: Sweet.  
Evil: Alright. I want Graypaw and Ravenpaw to hunt wherever they want and Firepaw to hunt around twolegplace.  
Firepaw: . . . because you want to catch me trying to go back to kittypet life?  
Evil: Exactly. Now GO!  
Ravenpaw/Graypaw/Firepaw: (Run away)  
SOMETIME AFTER FIREPAW CAUGHT 11 MICE  
Firepaw: Who shall be my next victim? Hehe . . .  
Mysterious Cat: (Runs into a tree)  
Firepaw: Get out, intruder! Gr-aaar! (Attacks mysterious cat) . . . Smudge?!  
Smudge: . . . Rusty?!  
Firepaw: It's FIREPAW now. Also . . . you can talk normally again?!  
Smudge: I just got shot by my twolegs.  
Firepaw: With a tranquilizer?  
Smudge: Yeah, that's it . . . HOW CAN YOU STILL BE ALIVE?!  
Evil: (Hiding behind a tree while the two are talking) Oh, yes! OH, YES! Firepaw's talking to a kittypet. Now I can tell Bluestar and then she'll banish him from the clan! Then after that, (rubs paws together evilly) I shall be ruler of the penguins! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
AT CAMP LATER  
Firepaw: (Comes into camp with a chaffinch)  
Evil: That's PATHETIC!  
Firepaw: (Snaps fingers)  
A GIANT DUMP TRUCK BREAKS OPEN CAMP WALL THAT CATS JUST FINISHED REPAIRING AND DUMPS TONS OF PREY ONTO EVIL  
Bluestar: Firepaw, you are our hero! We never go hungry because of you.  
ThunderClan: Hoorah!  
Evil: . . . ow.  
Graypaw: (Comes into camp and stares at massive pile of prey) FLYING HEDGEHOGS! WHAT HAPPENED?!  
Ravenpaw: (Comes into camp with an adder)  
Firepaw: HELLOOOOO? Don't you see all the prey I got?  
Ravenpaw: Prey, shmrey. I got an adder.  
Bluestar: You were brave enough to kill an adder?  
ThunderClan: Hoorah!  
Evil: The pain. The agony. Someone help me.  
ThunderClan: Nah.  
Evil: Okay. I'll just stay here then.  
THE DAY WHEN ALL OF FIREPAW'S CAUGHT PREY IS EATEN  
Evil: I'm FREE!  
Ravenpaw: What should we do with this adder?  
Graypaw: Let's play hot adder!  
Ravenpaw/Firepaw: YEAH!  
Graypaw: Firepaw, catch! (Throws adder to Firepaw)  
Firepaw: (Misses and adder lands on Sandpaw's face) Oops.  
Sandpaw: . . . AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Runs to Hawaii)  
Dustpaw: Sandpaw, come back! (Runs after Sandpaw)  
Rainpelt: That's how Sandpaw and Dustpaw could not go to the gathering-  
Ravenpaw: Wait a second, how can someone RUN to Hawaii? They'd have to run across the Atlantic Ocean, and then cross half of the Pacific Ocean.  
Rainpelt: And I could ask how you know so much about oceans.  
Ravenpaw: True.  
Rainpelt: Who IS writing this story anyway?  
Ravenpaw/Graypaw/Firepaw: (Stare at Rainpelt)  
Rainpelt: Oh! Right! Uh, hem . . . let's carry on with the story, shall we?  
Evil: Firepaw! Bluestar wants you!  
Firepaw: Okay.  
Bluestar: Evil told me you went into your old twoleg nest, got food from them, told them you wished you could come back home, then have a party with your old kittypet friends. Is this true?  
Firepaw: No.  
Bluestar: Good. You're destined to save the clan.  
Firepaw: Sweet.  
Bluestar: Also, you and your two friends may go to the gathering.  
Firepaw: Because Sandpaw and Dustpaw are in Hawaii?  
Bluestar: They're in HAWAII?! How could they pay for airline tickets?!  
Firepaw: I don't know . . .  
Bluestar: (Runs to Gatwick International Airport)  
Firepaw: Gee. I sure hope she's back by the time the gathering starts . . .

Bluestar: (Runs back to camp panting) Sorry I'm late, but . . .  
ThunderClan: (Glaring at her)  
Bluestar: . . . I wanted to know if Sandpaw and Dustpaw got on the 1:30 or 5:55 flight to Hawaii.  
ThunderClan: (Still glaring at her)  
Bluestar: Alright, ThunderClan, let's go already.  
Mousefur: The gathering started three hours ago.  
Bluestar: Well, maybe if we run fast we can make it.  
ThunderClan: (Magically appear at Fourtrees three hours ago)  
Bluestar: That was technically impossible.  
Longtail: Hey, many things happened that were impossible. Ever since the battle with RiverClan over Sunningrocks, all the cats have clearly gone insane except for Bluestar.  
Bluestar: I'll tell that to everyone.  
Ravenpaw: I think it's all Raincloud's fault.  
Bluestar: Who's Raincloud?  
Raincloud: Hello, cats!  
ThunderClan/RiverClan/ShadowClan: Hello, Raincloud!  
Bluestar: This is getting ridiculous. We must start the gathering.  
Raincloud: Bye, cats!  
ThunderClan/RiverClan/ShadowClan: Bye, Raincloud!  
Brokenstar: Let's begin with ME.  
Crookedstar/Bluestar: Okey-dokey!  
Brokenstar: What's up with all this 'Okey-dokey' stuff? It's such an annoying word!  
Crookedstar/Bluestar: Sorry.  
Brokenstar: Anyway, let us hunt in your territories or FEEL OUR WRATH!  
ShadowClan: (Bare fangs and unsheathe claws)  
Crookedstar: Is that what happened to WindClan?  
Brokenstar: Yes.  
Crookedstar: Sweet.  
Bluestar: First of all, it's not 'sweet' that WindClan disappeared. Second of all, WindClan disappeared?!  
Brokenstar: Yes. We drove them out because they wouldn't let us hunt on their territory.  
Bluestar: But that's clearly against the warrior code!  
Brokenstar: (kneeling at Bluestar's paws) PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE let us hunt on your territory!  
Bluestar: No.  
Brokenstar: Fine. Then I have more news for you. We drove out the cat that murdered the cat I murdered.  
Firepaw: That doesn't make any sense.  
Brokenstar: SHUT UP, LOWLY APPRENTICE!  
Firepaw: Fine. I'm just making a point.  
Brokenstar: Anyway, she has bad personal hygiene . . .  
Firepaw: (Whispering) that's Nofang . . .  
Brokenstar: Needs beer every night . . .  
Firepaw: (Whispering) that's Nofang . . .  
Brokenstar: Has yellow fangs . . .  
Firepaw (Whispering) that's ALMOST Nofang . . .  
Brokenstar: And . . . plays the violin.  
Firepaw: THAT'S NOFANG!  
Brokenstar: yeah, and she kills kits . . . did you just say NOfang?  
Bluestar: RUN, THUNDERCLAN! SHE MIGHT START KILLING FROSTFUR'S KITS RIGHT NOW!!  
ThunderClan: (Run away)  
Crookedstar/Brokenstar: (Watch ThunderClan leave in silence)  
Crookedstar: Should we just end the gathering now?  
Brokenstar: Sure.  
RiverClan/ShadowClan: (Leave)

Firepaw: RUN, NOFANG! RUN FOR YOUR DEAR LITTLE KITTY CAT LIFE! THUNDERCLAN'S OUT TO GET YOU!  
Nofang: . . . What?  
Firepaw: Aren't you listening to ANY word I'm saying? ThunderClan thinks you're killing all of the kits we have and they're going to kill you or drive you out of the forest or something.  
Nofang: . . . Huh?  
Firepaw: Oh, gosh! Brokenstar told us you were a kit killer. ThunderClan are going to kill you!  
Nofang: . . . Uh . . . say that again.  
Firepaw: JUST RUN!  
Nofang: OKAY! OKAY! (Runs into a tree)  
Evil: There's the kit killer! Get her!  
Firepaw: (To self) I tried to warn her.  
Bluestar: I didn't say to hurt anyone!  
Evil: (Flips on tape recorder of Bluestar talking) I will (Evil's voice) kill (Bluestar's voice) Nofang in any way.  
Bluestar: (Flips on tape recorder of herself talking) I will not hurt Nofang in any way.  
Evil: Oh, mouse dung.  
Nofang: Oh, thank you Bluestar.  
Frostfur: My kits! They're alive! Hallelujah!  
Bluestar: See? She's done no harm to us.  
Nofang: Did Brokenstar ever mention me playing the violin?  
Evil: Yes.  
Nofang: (Faints)  
Spottedleaf: Oh, COME ON! I've recorded an 82.43 increase of cats passing out ever since Redtail died. (Drags Nofang into her den)  
Lionheart: GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAAAAAT?!  
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw: What?  
Lionheart: We all get to go to the moonstone with Bluestar!  
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw: Hoorah!  
Lionheart: Of course, you're going to need traveling herbs.  
Graypaw: How are we EVER going to get traveling herbs when Spottedleaf's having a temper tantrum?  
Spottedleaf: NOFANG! WAKE UP, MOUSE-BRAIN!  
Ravenpaw: I'll go in and try. (Walks into Spottedleaf's den)  
Spottedleaf: GET OUT! (Slapping noise)  
Ravenpaw: (Flies out of den) AAAAAAAAAAAAH! CRASH . . . ow.  
Firepaw: Wait a second. Spottedleaf likes me better than the rest of you. (Walks into Spottedleaf's den)  
Spottedleaf: GET OUT . . . oh, hello, Firepaw! (Gives Firepaw herbs)  
Graypaw: . . . wow.  
Ravenpaw: You have a gift.  
Firepaw: (Ray of sun glows on Firepaw even though it's night and it's very dark outside) you really think I do?  
ThunderClan: (Stare in awe)  
Graypaw: Yes. You do.

DAWN  
Trumpet Guy: (Plays trumpet) duh, duh, duh. Duh, duh, duh. Duh, duh, duh. Duh, duh, duh. Duh, duh, duh. Duh, duh, duh. Duh, duh, DUUH, duh.  
Firepaw: (While trumpet is still playing) why must we wake up so early?  
Graypaw: The moonstone is a long journey. We should start early so we can get there by bed time.  
Firepaw: Wow.  
Trumpet Guy: Duh, duh, DUUH, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! Thank you! Thank you! I'm here till Thursday . . . or until I get paid.  
Lionheart: Alright, Trumpet Guy. Will you accept checks?  
Trumpet Guy: Nope, sorry, dude.  
ONE HOUR LATER  
Lionheart: Do you accept . . . crowfood tails?  
Trumpet Guy: NO!! I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU FOR HALF AN HOUR THAT I ONLY GET PAID IN CASH!  
Lionheart: I don't have cash.  
Trumpet Guy: Then jump off a cliff.  
Lionheart: OKAY! (Jumps off cliff and dies)  
Evil: Aw. I wanted to kill him myself!  
Graypaw: LIONHEART! MY MENTOR! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  
Bluestar: Alright, everyone, let's get going. Lionheart, you take care of the camp while we're gone.  
Lionheart: (From up in StarClan): . . .  
Firepaw: But . . . he's dead.  
Bluestar: Don't be joking around. We're late.  
Evil: I'll come with you instead!  
Bluestar: Okey-dokey!  
Brokenstar: Grr . . .  
Bluestar: . . . Sorry.  
Random Twoleg: Hey, you could be at the moonstone in only a few minutes if you ride in our monster.  
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw/Evil: Okay!  
Bluestar: I'm NOT going to ride with twolegs. Fine, then. I'll be waiting for you at the moonstone . . . or you'll be waiting for me in StarClan! (Runs off)  
Twoleg: Come on, cats! We're going to have a "Bop to the Top" sing along!  
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw/Evil: HOORAH! (Buckle seatbelts)  
Twoleg: (Turns on radio and engine and starts driving)  
Firepaw: Mucho gusto.  
Graypaw: Aye que fabulosa.  
Ravenpaw: RRRRRR, aye, aye, AYE!  
Evil: ARRRRIBA!  
Twoleg: Quieres bailar?  
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw/Evil: Mirame.  
Firepaw: I believe in dreaming and shooting for the stars.  
Graypaw: Baby, to be #1 you've got to raise the bar.  
Ravenpaw: Kicking and a scratching, grinding out my best.  
Evil: Anything it takes to climb the ladder of success.  
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw/Evil/Twoleg: Work our tails off everyday-  
Twoleg: (Stops radio and engine and stops driving) well, here we are!  
Evil: That wasn't much of a sing along.  
Graypaw: At least we got here pretty quick . . .  
Ravenpaw: . . . and we proved Bluestar wrong.  
Firepaw: Where IS Bluestar anyway?  
11 HOURS LATER (ABOUT 6:00 PM)  
Bluestar: . . . ?  
Firepaw: (Wakes up because the cats were sleeping while waiting for Bluestar) YAWN Bluestar. You're finally here.  
Bluestar: How did you get here before me . . . oh . . . yeah . . . right.  
Firepaw: . . . SOOOOOOOOOO . . . are we going into the highstones?  
Bluestar: Yes, and I want you and Evil to come with me. Ravenpaw and Graypaw will guard the cave.  
Evil: Will I become deputy?  
Bluestar: No.  
Evil: Drat.  
Firepaw: MOONSTONE!

Bluestar: It is time.  
Firepaw: (Walks slowly towards mothermouth with "This Land" background music)  
Bluestar: WHAT are you doing? (DJ Scratching noise)  
Firepaw: Oh. It just adds dramatic effect, you know.  
Bluestar: Ah.  
A different Twoleg: SALT! Who goes there?  
Evil: Isn't it supposed to be HALT?  
Twoleg: SALT is cooler. Now, who goes there?  
Bluestar: Me, Evil, and Firepaw. I'm the leader of ThunderClan.  
Twoleg: You're name, please.  
Bluestar: . . . Bluestar . . . ?  
Twoleg: I'll need your identification code.  
Bluestar: I don't have one.  
Twoleg: Then we're gonna have to do the identification process.  
Bluestar: Just one second, please. Who put this twoleg guard here?  
Twoleg: I did!  
Bluestar: SIGH Okay, what do I have to do?  
Twoleg: Sit right here, please. (Chair pops out of the ground)  
Bluestar: (Sits in the chair)  
Twoleg: Now you must . . . STARE INTO THIS BEAM OF LIGHT!  
Bluestar: (Beam of light pops up in front of her) AAAAAAH! MY EYES! THEY HURT!  
Twoleg: (Turns light off) Hmm . . . you are Bluestar, leader of ThunderClan, female, blue-gray fur, piercing blue eyes, 3 lives left, and has the insanity gene.  
Bluestar: What's the insanity gene?  
Twoleg: You'll find out sooner or later. You and your warriors may enter.  
Firepaw: Did you hear that? He called me a warrior! (Cries)  
AT THE MOONSTONE  
Bluestar/Firepaw: (Put on sunglasses) Ooh. Purdyful.  
Evil: AAAAAAAAAAAH! MY EYES! (Runs out of the cave)  
Firepaw: CHICKEN! Bok, bok, bu-BOK!  
Bluestar: HEY! No clucking allowed near the moonstone.  
Firepaw: Okay. (Runs out of the cave) Bok, bok, bu-BOK!  
Bluestar: Oy.  
THE NEXT MORNING  
Bluestar: (Runs out of the cave) OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! THE THUNDERCLAN CAMP IS UNDER FIRE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
Firepaw: I'm not deaf like Nofang, but I had no idea what you just said.  
Evil: I can translate. Uh hem: Great flying hedgehogs. The ThunderClan camp is under attack and we must return to the camp immediately so we don't get driven out like WindClan.  
Twoleg: Hop into my monster!  
Graypaw: Uh . . . it says in the script that we must encounter rats on the way and meet Barley, for if we don't, the story might get screwed up somehow.  
Ravenpaw: You know the part when I need to escape ThunderClan? We wouldn't know where to send me. I suggest we do this on our own.  
Twoleg: Fine. (Drives away)

Evil: Let's go already!  
Firepaw: (In a trance) Moonstone, moonstone, moonstone, moonstone. Moonstone, moonstone, moonstone, moonstone.  
Graypaw: You're lucky you got to see the moonstone and we didn't . . . Firepaw?  
Firepaw: (Still in a trance) Moonstone, moonstone, moonstone, moonstone. Moonstone, moonstone, moonstone, moonstone.  
Graypaw: O . . . K.  
Evil: AAAAAH! I SMELL INTRUDERS!  
Barley: Evil. You just gotta CHIIIIIIIIIIIL.  
Bluestar: Yeah. It's just Barley. He's nice.  
Barley: (Grins and shows sparkling teeth)  
Ravenpaw: And he doesn't live with twolegs.  
Evil: I still don't trust him.  
Barley: How RUDE! I'm not helping you escape the dogs, then.  
Bluestar: Dogs? What dogs-  
Dogs: CATS! LET'S EAT THEM.  
Firepaw: Barley, help us . . .  
Barley: (Runs back to the farm)  
Bluestar: RUN!  
Dog: (Eats Bluestar)  
Evil: SWEET!  
Ravenpaw: We have to help her!  
Evil: We can help by . . . uh . . . just sitting here.  
Graypaw: Okay.  
Dog: (Spits out Bluestar) She has the insanity gene! RUN AWAAAAAAAAY!  
Bluestar: Aw, mouse dung. I have four lives left.  
Evil: You mean two, right?  
Bluestar: Nope. Four lives.  
Evil: Aw.  
Graypaw: We were supposed to encounter rats, not dogs!  
Firepaw: Thanks a lot, Evil.  
Evil: Don't mention it.  
Ravenpaw: Guys, it wasn't Evil's fault. (Looks at Raincloud) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO US, RAINCLOUD?!  
Raincloud: You know what I did.  
Ravenpaw: True.  
Graypaw: We have to get back to the camp, quickly!  
Bluestar: Why?  
Evil: You got the message from StarClan.  
Bluestar: . . . huh . . . OH, YEAH! WE HAVE TO HURRY!  
Firepaw: Right.  
AT THE CAMP  
Bluestar: Flying hedgehogs! What's going on here?!  
Longtail: (Between blows) SHADOW – CLAN – IS – ATTACKING – US – BECAUSE – HE – WANTS – TO – HUNT – ON – OUR – TERRI – TORY!  
Brokenstar: (Pounces on Bluestar)  
Bluestar: Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Blackfoot: (Guards ThunderClan kits) don't worry, kits, I won't let any of these mean warriors hurt you-  
Random ShadowClan Cat: BLACKFOOT!  
Blackfoot: Oh, right. Uh, hem. Die, kits. Die. Roar. (Swipes paw at a kit)  
Frostfur: DIE, BLACKFOOT! (Attacks him fiercely)  
Blackfoot: I hate being a feral cat. Why can't I just be a KITTYPET?!  
All cats in the camp: (Freeze and stare at Blackfoot in horror)  
Brokenstar: RETREAT, SHADOWCLAN! RETREAT! And YOU, Blackfoot, are in SERIOUS trouble.  
Blackfoot: Okay! (Trots happily out of ThunderClan)  
ShadowClan: (Leaves)  
Gallon of milk: (Floats around the clearing and then leaves)  
Firepaw: That was just . . . weird.  
Graypaw: I know.  
Ravenpaw: Guys, Raincloud is doing this.  
Graypaw: And who cares?  
Ravenpaw: . . . you have a point, there.  
Bluestar: Now, since Lionheart is gone, Evil will be the new deputy.  
Evil: . . . REALLY?! (Jumps up and down really fast) OH, THANK YOU, BLUESTAR! THANK YOU THANK YOU THAAAAAANK YOOOOUUUU!  
ThunderClan: (Watch him jump around the camp in silence)  
Evil: WHOO, HOO, HOOOOOO! I HAD TOO MUCH SUGAR! I HAD TOO MUCH SUGAR! YAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Ravenpaw: I'm scared . . .

Evil: Ah. Sugar rush is over . . . HEY!  
Ravenpaw: What?  
Evil: Will you tell Firepaw how I protected Redtail?  
Ravenpaw: NEVER! (Puts lamp shade over Evil's head)  
Evil: . . . hey . . . HEY! W-who turned the lights out? (Flips switch inside lamp shade) oh. There we go!  
Ravenpaw: (Dives into the apprentices den)  
Graypaw: OW!  
THE NEXT MORNING  
Dustpaw: (Plays the trumpet badly)  
Firepaw: I just know you want to deafen me.  
Dustpaw: Of course I do, and your little friends too.  
Ravenpaw/Graypaw: Grr . . .  
Firepaw: So, you came back from Hawaii.  
Sandpaw: Yup. I got a tan.  
Firepaw: Sweet.  
Dustpaw: Bluestar is having a clan meeting.  
Graypaw: Okay. (To Brokenstar) I didn't say okey-dokey . . . oops.  
Brokenstar: I know these things. I'm watching you! Grr . . .  
Bluestar: I have four lives left and Evil thinks I need body guards! Humph.  
Evil: But I want to protect you.  
Bluestar: The warrior code says we must protect the clan, not one single cat.  
Evil: True.  
Bluestar: Anyway, Nofang may join our clan.  
Nofang: Why?  
Bluestar: Didn't you notice?  
ThunderClan: (Look up in memory)  
PROJECTION SCREEN COMES DOWN AND SHOWS MOVIE CLIP OF THUNDERCLAN CAMP DURING SHADOWCLAN ATTACK: NOFANG OPENED HER MOUTH IN FRONT OF SHADOWCLAN WARRIORS AND THEY RAN OUT OF CAMP WITH THEIR PAWS OVER THEIR NOSES (WHICH IS REALLY HARD TO DO IF YOU'RE A CAT)  
Nofang: Have you always had that projection screen?  
Bluestar: No.  
Nofang: Hmm . . . strange . . .  
Bluestar: Will you join our clan?  
Nofang: Sure.  
Firepaw: Cool.  
Raincloud: POOF  
Ravenpaw: Hey, everyone, it's Raincloud!  
Raincloud: I can predict the future. OOOOOOOOOH!  
Firepaw: I bet you can't.  
Raincloud: (Looks into crystal ball) I see . . . Firepaw . . . no, wait . . . Fireheart!  
Firepaw: I'm gonna become a warrior?  
Raincloud: Yes, Graypaw too.  
Ravenpaw: What about me?  
Raincloud: Nope. Sorry. But-  
Ravenpaw: WAAAAAAAAAH!  
Raincloud: SHUT UP AND LISTEN!  
Ravenpaw: . . . okay.  
Raincloud: We will have a special connection between us.  
Ravenpaw: Awesome.  
Raincloud: Anyway, Fireheart and Graystripe will bring WindClan back home.  
Firepaw: Coolio!  
Graypaw: I like my warrior name.  
Rainpelt: I have some advice for you three.  
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw: (Lean forward)  
Raincloud: Send Ravenpaw to Barley's farm on the day Evil wants to kill him.  
Ravenpaw: So I'll be safe?  
Raincloud: Yes. As far into the future as I can see, none of you are dead.  
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw: Hoorah!  
Evil: Tell me my fortune!  
Raincloud: (Shakes her head) Oh, dear . . .  
Evil: What?  
Raincloud: I see you . . . taking a bubble bath! With a rubber ducky!  
Evil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Bluestar: Am I going to die?  
Raincloud: Yes, in the fifth book.  
Bluestar: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Raincloud: But, you die with honor!  
Bluestar: Cool.  
Spottedleaf: What about me? Will I die?  
Raincloud: In the next few chapters, yes.  
Spottedleaf: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  
Firepaw: I'll miss you, Spotty.  
Spottedleaf: I'll come into your dreams every night, Fiery.  
Firepaw: I'm going out for a stroll, shall I?  
Spottedleaf: Sure.  
Raincloud: Be gone! POOF  
Evil: I can't believe I'm mentoring a traitor.  
Firepaw: (Eavesdropping)!!  
Dustpaw: How long was Ravenpaw gone?  
Evil: Long enough to get a snow cone, then back.  
Firepaw: (To himself) WHAT?! He was with us the whole time!  
Dustpaw: That little traitor!  
Firepaw: How could getting a snow cone be an example of a traitor? Maybe they're talking in code. I've gotta tell Bluestar about Evil now! (Runs away)

Firepaw: I'll get some poppy seeds for you.  
Graypaw: Fine.  
Ravenpaw: Yeah. It's JUUUUUUUUUUUUUST fine.  
Spottedleaf: The spirits are restless. I can't understand what they're saying.  
Firepaw: (Listens to spirits) they say you're going to die in the next chapter.  
Spottedleaf: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  
Firepaw: Anyway, I need poppy seeds.  
Spottedleaf: Okay. (Gives Firepaw seeds) also, I want to tell you that I got a prophecy a few moons ago. They said fire alone could save our clan.  
Firepaw: Jeepers, creepers!  
Spottedleaf: I think if I'm going to die in the next chapter, this is my last time speaking to you in real life, so good-bye, Fiery!  
Firepaw: Good-bye, Spotty!  
IN THE APPRENTICES DEN IN THE MORNING  
Firepaw: WAKE UP, YOU LAZY OLD FLEABAG!  
Graypaw: Zzz . . . zzz . . .  
Evil: We're gonna start training now, people!  
Firepaw/Ravenpaw: Okay!  
Graypaw: Zzz . . . zzz . . .  
Evil: WAKE UP, YOU LAZY OLD FLEABAG!  
Firepaw: It doesn't work-  
Graypaw: Yes, Evil?  
Firepaw: . . . wow.  
Bluestar: Let's start training.  
Firepaw: Okay, but I want to tell you about Raven-  
Bluestar: Attack me.  
Firepaw: Okay. (To self) Hmm . . . I could attack her on the side, although she'd be clever enough to dodge. I could also flip her over . . . but she's bigger than me so that'd be hard to do . . .  
SEVEN HOURS LATER  
Firepaw: (To self) OR . . . nope, already thought of that . . . OH! OH! I know! I could . . . nah, wouldn't work. OOH! I could get a magical pixie horse to run by and she'd be distracted . . . oh, nope. No pixie horses in sight-  
Bluestar: JUST ATTACK ME, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!  
Firepaw: Okay, you asked for it . . . (Turns into a tornado)  
Bluestar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Get's caught in the Firepaw tornado) HELP MEEEEEEEE! OH, PLEASE, SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
Evil: (Comes back from training session to watch) THIS IS SO, TOTALLY AWESOME! I'M NEXT! I'M NEXT!  
Bluestar: (Firepaw tornado ends) me . . . dizzy . . . OOOOH . . .  
Evil: Can I try now?  
Firepaw: That's all the power I have right now.  
Bluestar: And that's all the training time we have.  
Firepaw: Already? (Looks at the night sky) wow . . . oh, no! I forgot to tell Bluestar about Ravenpaw and Evil!  
Evil: WHAT did you just say?  
Firepaw: . . . nothing! (Thinking to self) did I say that out loud?  
Evil: Yes.  
Firepaw: . . . !!

Graypaw: I cut my paw off.  
Firepaw: Really?  
Graypaw: Yeah. (Shows Firepaw paw-less leg) I'm going to ask Spottedleaf for a new paw.  
Firepaw: Okay.  
Ravenpaw: I got prey from ShadowClan territory!  
Firepaw: Why?  
Ravenpaw: EVIL TOLD ME TO!  
ThunderClan: GASP . . .  
Mousefur: Bluestar, Evil told Ravenpaw to hunt in enemy territory! What do you say about that?  
Bluestar: . . . I don't believe that.  
Evil: Phew!  
AT NIGHT  
Ravenpaw: . . . Zzz . . . hzzuh . . . whzzuh . . . Zzz . . . dry-cleaned underwear . . . Zzz . . . save me, Blue Jean . . . hzzuh . . . get your dirty . . . socks OFF OF HER! (Jumps up) AAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GET AWAY, EVIL SWEATPANTS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Slashes claws at Firepaw) DIE, DIRTY SOCKS! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GET AWAY FROM BLUE JEAN, MUCKY T-SHIRT! HIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU DON'T SCARE ME-  
Firepaw: RAVENPAW?!  
Ravenpaw: What?  
Firepaw: . . . what were you dreaming about?  
Ravenpaw: Nothing you'd want to know about. Why?  
Firepaw: Do you have some kind of strange issue with dirty laundry?  
Ravenpaw: . . . no.  
Firepaw: Good. Who killed Redtail?  
Ravenpaw: Evil.  
Firepaw: I knew it.  
Ravenpaw: Don't say it out loud.  
Firepaw: Why?  
Ravenpaw: Because if he hears you, he'll kill you.  
Firepaw: I thought he wanted everyone to know he was going to kill Redtail.  
Ravenpaw: Why?  
Firepaw: Well . . .  
MOVIE CLIP OF THE THUNDERCLAN CAMP A FEW MOONS AGO: EVIL RUNS IN CIRCLES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLEARING SHOUTING "I'M GONNA KILL REDTAIL! I'M GONNA-  
Ravenpaw: (Takes film strip out of overhead)  
Firepaw: Hey!  
Ravenpaw: Why do we have to use film strips?  
Firepaw: It's funny.  
Ravenpaw: . . . OKAY! I ADMIT IT!  
Firepaw: You admit what?  
Ravenpaw: I know Evil's plan, but I'm not allowed to tell it to anyone! He's going to get as many snow cones as he can, give them to StarClan, then they'll throw them all back down and it will start snowing. Then penguins will want to come here and we'll be driven out. Then, Evil will become ruler of the penguins! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!  
Firepaw: Why did you put the evil laugh at the end?  
Ravenpaw: It just adds dramatic effect.  
Firepaw: Oh.  
Ravenpaw: You do know that Evil's dad was a penguin, right?  
Firepaw: So he's half penguin?  
Ravenpaw: Yup.  
Firepaw: Funny, because he looks just like a cat to me.  
Ravenpaw: (Points at Evil outside)  
EVIL HAS GROWN A PENGUIN BEAK, FEATHERS, AND FLIPPERS. HE'S ALSO DOING PENGUIN CALLS  
Firepaw: I didn't see that coming.  
Ravenpaw: He does it only when he wants to.  
Firepaw: Wow . . . fascinating.  
THE NEXT MORNING  
Evil: (Still in beak, feathers, and flippers doing penguin calls) Oh, yeah. It really makes my throat feel good . . .  
ThunderClan: (Staring at Evil) . . .  
Evil: Hey, it's YOUR dreams, people!  
ThunderClan: Oh. (Torturing themselves so they can "wake up")  
Bluestar: (Comes out of den and looks at cats trying to kill themselves) . . . idiots.  
Evil: (No longer a half penguin) I know.  
Spottedleaf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
Firepaw: I'm guessing this is when she dies.  
Frostfur: My kits! They're MISSING! Oh, why me? WHY ME?!  
Graypaw: (Slaps Frostfur) SHUT UP AND FOCUS!  
Frostfur: . . . okay.  
JUST SO YOU KNOW, SLAPPING OTHER PEOPLE (OR CATS) IS WRONG, DANGEROUS, AND MEAN. SO DON'T DO IT. THANK YOU.  
Evil: Spottedleaf died slapping herself trying to "Wake up!"  
Firepaw: I never knew she'd be this stupid.  
Spottedleaf's ghost: How RUDE!  
Firepaw: Sorry.  
Frostfur: Nofang's gone!

Evil: Nofang's gone. So what?  
Frostfur: She took my kits!  
Evil: And Ravenpaw must've helped!  
Frostfur: I knew he was a traitor.  
Bluestar: Firepaw, I want you to get Nofang back.  
Firepaw: Okay.  
Frostfur: (Whacks innocent Ravenpaw with giant hammer) GET OUT!  
Ravenpaw: (Flat) okay.  
Firepaw: You have to get out of here!  
Ravenpaw: And go where?  
Firepaw: . . . uh . . . I know his name . . . it's at the tip of my tongue . . . it's like . . . Arley? Carley? Darley? Earley? Farley? Garley? Harley? Iarley? Jarley? Karley? Larley? Marley? Monkey? Narley? . . .  
Ravenpaw: (While Firepaw's still thinking out loud) I should know this!  
Raincloud: (In Ravenpaw's memories) send Ravenpaw to Barley's farm on the day Evil wants to kill him.  
Firepaw: . . . Uarley? Varley? Warley? Xarley? Yarley? Zarley-  
Ravenpaw: BARLEY!  
Firepaw: Barley . . . that's a strange name.  
Ravenpaw: Come on! We've got to get to Barley's place so we can save me! (Winks at Raincloud)  
Raincloud: (Winks back)  
AFTER RAVENPAW IS DROPPED OFF  
Firepaw: Yay! We're at . . . the circus. Graypaw, why are we here?  
Graypaw: I like the girl that unicycles across the rope.  
Firepaw: You're blinded by love.  
Graypaw: Is that bad?  
Firepaw: Yes. We need to find Nofang!  
Graypaw: Oh. Okay!  
Firepaw/Graypaw: (Leave the circus and go to ShadowClan)  
Nofang: (Dancing to "Rush") don't let nobody tell you your life is over-  
Firepaw: Nofang?  
Nofang: (Turns off radio and throws it into the bushes) what?  
Firepaw: You like Aly and AJ too?  
Nofang: Well, I-  
Graypaw: Give us the kits.  
Nofang: I don't know where they are, but I know Clawface stole them.  
Firepaw: Who's Clawface?  
Nofang: SIGH you just HAD to ask. (Flips remote)  
MOVIE CLIP OF THE SHADOWCLAN PATROL A FEW MINUTES AGO: CLAWFACE IS A BIG, FAT KITTY SINGING, "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME. WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY . . ." AND THE OTHER CATS IN THE PATROL ARE COVERING THEIR EARS  
Firepaw: Oh, gosh. I hate him already.  
Kits: Meow! Someone help us!  
Graypaw: It's the kits . . . in clown wigs?  
Kits: (Reveal themselves wearing clown wigs) B-brokenstar w-wanted us to b-be p-proffessional c-c-c-c-clowns!  
Firepaw: GASP How could he?!  
Female kits: He just can! He's . . . OH, SO POWERFUL! I JUST LOOVE HIM! HE'S THE LEADER OF GORGEOUSNESS!  
Brokenstar: (Nods and walks away)  
Female kit: He's a maniac! We want him OUT!  
Nofang: . . . WAIT! I have a plan.  
Firepaw/Graypaw/Kits: What?  
Graypaw: Hold that thought, Nofang. A ThunderClan patrol is coming!  
Nofang: HIDE!  
Firepaw/Graypaw/Nofang/Kits: (Hide behind a huge painting of a clown)  
Firepaw: Brokenstar must have a love for clowns.  
Graypaw: And Raincloud must have her mind on circuses.  
Raincloud: Yes, I do.  
Kits: FAAAAAAAASCINATING.  
Nofang: I know some elders that will help us drive out Brokenstar.  
Graypaw: How about the ThunderClan patrol helps us, too!  
Firepaw: Are you crazy?  
Graypaw: Yes.  
Nofang: I actually think it's a good idea. Let's get the patrol and the elders and drive out Brokenstar!  
Firepaw/Graypaw/Kits: YEAH!  
Nofang: But first, let us all have a peanut butter and jam sandwich.  
Kits: YUM!  
AFTER THE SANDWICHES HAVE BEEN EATEN  
Nofang: BURP  
Kits: EEEEEW!  
Whitestorm: I think the dawg went this way, yo!  
Firepaw: Whitestorm?  
Whitestorm: What's the lil' dawgie doin' here?  
Firepaw: We found Nofang. She didn't take the kits, but she wants revenge on Brokenstar.  
Mousefur: We're in.  
Firepaw: Cool. Now, let's get the elders.  
Willowpelt: Just one question: were you hiding behind that hideous poster of Peanut the Clown?  
Graypaw: We were hiding behind a painting of a clown.  
Mousefur: Brokenstar is one strange cat.  
Whitestorm: I hear ya!  
A FEW PAWSTEPS LATER  
Nofang: This is Ashfur . . .  
Ashfur: Hello, there.  
Nofang: . . . Nightpelt . . .  
Nightpelt: Howdy!  
Nofang: . . . and Dawnflower.  
Dawnflower: I don't want to loose any more of my kits.  
Firepaw: Thanks for the info.  
Ashfur: We all want revenge on Brokenstar. He's broken the warrior code, and put up many hideous clown posters and drawings and statues and stuff.  
Graypaw: Statues?  
Nightpelt: (Points to a statue of a clown squirting water at a cat with a hose)  
Firepaw: He's going to give the kits nightmares!  
Graypaw: He's going to give ME nightmares!  
Nofang: So here's our plan: We tie the kits to branches of trees around the camp, and then the ShadowClan cats will be trying to get them down. Then we attack them.  
Kit: That's a cool plan!  
Nofang: Do we agree?  
Everyone in the area: YEAH!  
Nofang: Alright. Let's do this thing!

ONCE THE KITS ARE ALL TIED UP  
Brokenstar: Wha? How could our kits be tied up in trees?  
Kits: Help us! HELP US!  
Brokenstar: Gather around, ShadowClan! We need a plan to get our future clowns out of those trees.  
ShadowClan: (Huddle around Brokenstar)  
Nofang: Brokenstar and his warriors are such idiots. They can climb trees can't they?  
Whitestorm: Attack, yo!  
ThunderClan patrol/ShadowClan elders/the rest of them: YAAAAAAAAH!  
ShadowClan: !!  
Nofang: (Opens her mouth in front of three warriors) Ahhhhhhhhh.  
Three Warriors: Our noses! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Run away)  
Graypaw: Sometimes, I'm actually glad you have bad breath.  
Nofang: Aaaaw . . . put a sock in it! (Puts dirty sock in Graypaw's mouth)  
THREE MINUTES LATER  
Firepaw: The only cat left to drive out is Brokenstar.  
Brokenstar: Die, Nofang!  
Nofang: Never! (Plays dead)  
Brokenstar: GASP I've actually done it. I've killed Nofang! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!  
Nofang: (Opens mouth)  
Brokenstar: . . . I'm too used to Nofang's bad breath, so I won't die of it!  
Firepaw: Take that, clown freak! (Whacks Brokenstar with hammer seen in chapter 21)  
Brokenstar: (In Darth Vader voice) I'll be back! (Runs away)  
Willowpelt: We did a good job. Let's go home.

Bluestar: What happened?  
Mousefur: Firepaw drove out Brokenstar and the rest of us drove out his warriors.  
Bluestar: Whitestorm, did Firepaw and Graypaw fight like warriors?  
Whitestorm: Yeah, yeah, homeslice!  
Bluestar: Then from now on, Graypaw, you'll be known as Graystripe.  
Graystripe: Yes! I got my warrior name!  
Bluestar: Firepaw, from now on, you'll be known as Fireheart.  
Fireheart: What a surprise.  
Evil: Where's Ravenpaw?  
Fireheart: He died watching the lady that unicycles across the rope.  
Graystripe: Don't make fun of her!  
Evil: He would've made a great warrior. I was wrong to assume he was a traitor.  
Fireheart: Yeah. Sure.  
Bluestar: When cats become warriors, we must watch a movie to celebrate. It's part of the warrior code.  
Graystripe: What movie should we watch?  
Fireheart: . . . I think I have an idea . . .  
LATER  
Projection screen: And now for our feature presentation . . .  
THE WHOLE THUNDERCLAN ARE SITTING IN MOVIE THEATER CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR PROJECTION SCREEN ABOUT TO WATCH STAR WARS  
Projection screen: . . . 3 . . .  
Graystripe: Hey, does anyone have any popcorn?  
Projection screen: . . . 2 . . .  
Graystripe: I really like popcorn while watching a movie!  
Projection screen: . . . 1 . . .  
Graystripe: (Sees Evil with a large bucket of popcorn) POPCORN! (Attacks Evil as movie starts)  
Mousefur: Fireheart's here, Sandpaw's here, Bluestar's here, Evil's being attacked, Longtail's here, Raincloud's here . . .  
Raincloud: Hi, there!  
Mousefur: Who's that? (Points at a cat sitting next to Raincloud)  
Raincloud: Oh, that's my friend, Heather-rustle.  
Heather-rustle: She's the author, so I'm the reader. Hi there, Mousefur!  
Mousefur: So, you, Raincloud, wrote us, and you, Heather-rustle, read us.  
Heather-rustle: Yup.  
Mousefur: Then, how could the author and the reader be with us when the author is writing us and the reader is reading us?  
Raincloud: Uh . . . ?  
Mousefur: (Faints)  
Nofang: No wonder Spottedleaf hated being medicine cat. She has to miss out on movies! (Drags Mousefur to her den)  
Raincloud: Heather-rustle, did you know that Darkstripe was never mentioned in this story?  
Heather-rustle: Really? Then where is he?  
Darkstripe: (Surrounded by medieval knights) I knew I should've never gone into that time machine!  
Heather-rustle: How did he get a time machine?  
Raincloud: I don't know.  
Frostfur: Wait one second . . . WHERE ARE MY KITS?!  
Fireheart: Uh . . . oh . . .  
BACK IN A SHADOWCLAN TREE  
Kit: Someone, help us. Someone, help us. (Falls asleep)  
Nofang: And we all live happily ever after. (Plays the Warriors theme song on her violin)


	2. Fire and ice

**FIRE AND ICE**

Darkstripe: Hey, everyone! I'm Darkstripe. You may be thinking, _hey, this isn't how the prologue is supposed to go. It's supposed to be WindClan trying to find a place to live after Brokenstar drove them out!_ On the contrary, I'm here instead! Rainpelt thought that part was too boring. So, where should we start? Oh, I'm back from my long, expensive journey of enlightenment to the medieval times, where there were knights, kings, and noble steeds. Unfortunately, those knights were smarter than I thought and they cut me to pieces with their swords. Wonder how I'm still alive? StarClan decided since I ACCIDENTALLY stepped into a time machine, they would heal all my wounds. Aren't they full of love? Then I went to about 13 moons into the future, where I saw Raincloud CENSORED; TOO EMBARRASSING  
Raincloud: Just for that, I'm kicking you out of the story. (Kicks Darkstripe)  
Darkstripe: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Barkface: (Looks at Darkstripe soaring across the night sky) look! A shooting star! Make a wish, Tallstar.  
Tallstar: I wish I could win a trip to Busch Gardens.  
Darkstripe: (Lands in Australia) Someday, I should just learn to shut up.

DAWN  
ThunderClan: Zzz . . . zzz . . .  
Rouges: (Enter camp confused)  
Rouge: (Breaks a twig)  
ThunderClan: AAAH!  
Rouges: AAAH!  
ThunderClan: AAAH!  
Rouges: AAAH!  
ThunderClan: AAAH!  
Rouge: AAAH! (Run away)  
Graystripe: What was the point of all that?  
Fireheart: I don't really know.  
Sandpaw: Oh, look! I'm the great warrior Fireheart! (Does stupid dance)  
Fireheart: How RUDE!  
Graystripe: I hope Whitestorm has her chasing orange squirrels all day.  
Raincloud: CUT! Graystripe, you're supposed to say BLUE squirrels! Also, squirrels can actually be orange so it's not funny.  
Graystripe: YOU'RE responsible for what I say . . . what we all say.  
Raincloud: So I can do this? (Types some letters on a keyboard)  
Evil: I like to sing! I like to dance! I like to put ants in Bluestar's pants! (Puts ants in his own pants) Oh, no! I did it again! AAAH! (Runs away)  
Fireheart: I wish Ravenpaw was here to see this.  
Raincloud: Now you must say who Ravenpaw was and what happened to him.  
Fireheart: Why?  
Raincloud: Because the readers may not have read the first story.  
Fireheart: If they didn't read the first story why would they read the second story?  
Raincloud: Never mind. Let's start from after Fireheart says "How RUDE!" (Speaks into megaphone) and . . . ACTION!  
Graystripe: I hope Whitestorm has her chasing blue squirrels all day.  
Studio Audience: HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!  
Fireheart: But . . . there are no such things as blue squirrels.  
Graystripe: Precisely!  
Studio Audience: HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!  
LATER  
Fireheart: Hi, Spottedleaf.  
Spottedleaf: Fire alone can save the clan.  
Fireheart: Why must you say this to me again?  
Evil: Did you know you talk in your sleep?  
Fireheart: (Wakes up) AAAH!  
Evil: I'll take that as a yes.  
Fireheart: I have a question for you: why were you born?  
Evil: . . . Uh . . . I don't really know.  
Fireheart: That's my answer too!  
Evil: Sweet! By the way, you're going to the gathering.  
Fireheart: Cool.  
Bluestar: Your name shall be Swiftpaw.  
Swiftpaw: Um . . . cool?  
Bluestar: Your mentor is Longtail.  
Swiftpaw: Fine.  
ON THE WAY TO THE GATHERING  
Fireheart: Evil killed Redtail.  
Bluestar: Why are you telling me this?  
Fireheart: So you can get rid of Evil.  
Bluestar: He's my deputy. Why would I get rid of him?  
Fireheart: HE'S A MURDERER!  
Bluestar: I know you may have heard Evil say that one day, but I don't believe it and I'm the leader and what I say is the warrior code so shut up about it or I'll send you back to your twolegs.  
Fireheart: You wouldn't!  
Bluestar: Oh, yes. I would. (Makes an evil grin)

Nightstar: No, I'll do it!  
Crookedstar: No, I'll do it!  
Bluestar: What's going on here?  
Nightstar: I want to hunt in WindClan's territory, but Crookedstar wants to too. How should we decide who gets to hunt in WindClan's territory?  
Bluestar: Nobody should be-  
Fireheart: How about a singing contest?  
Nightstar/Crookedstar: YEAH!  
Fireheart: Welcome to "I SING BETTER THAN YOU!" Today's contestants, Nightstar and Crookedstar, will have their singing judged by our three judges, Graystripe, Evil, and Bluestar. The song they will sing is . . . "Nobody's Perfect" by Hannah Montana!  
Nightstar: Sometimes I'm in a jam. I've gotta make a plan.  
Crookedstar: It might be . . . I . . . anyway . . .  
Nightstar: The way to know for sure. I figure out a cure.  
Crookedstar: I'm . . . ?  
Nightstar: If I'm not doin' too well, CLAP-CLAP, CLAP  
Crookedstar: . . . huh? I don't get it!  
Nightstar/Crookedstar: Nobody's perfect!  
Nightstar: I gotta work it again and again 'till I get it right.  
Evil: SHUT UP! (DJ scratching noise)  
Graystripe: Nightstar, you were too cool! I give you a ten!  
Evil: You rocked my socks off! You also rocked the ants out of my pants. I'll give you a ten!  
Bluestar: I don't believe in singing just to get territory, but I'll just give you a ten anyway.  
Fireheart: Nightstar got 30! That's hard to beat. Now it's time to judge Crookedstar.  
Evil: You SUCKED! I'll give you -1 for effort.  
Bluestar: You didn't do so well. Sorry, but I'm gonna have to give you a 1.  
Graystripe: Are you two kidding me?! He fit the whole theme of the song. I give you 1,000,000!  
Fireheart: And the crowd goes wild. Crookedstar got an impossible 1,000,000 points for his singing. He wins the territory in WindClan!  
Crookedstar: (Surfs the crowd back to RiverClan)  
Evil: This is the best gathering I've ever gone to!  
Fireheart: You can say that again.  
Evil: This is the best gathering I've ever gone to!  
Bluestar: Let's go back home.  
BACK AT CAMP  
Bluestar: . . . and that's why Nightstar and Crookedstar want to be allies.  
Mousefur: Because they sang against each other?  
Bluestar: NO, because they want to get revenge on us for wanting to bring WindClan home. Weren't you listening?  
Longtail: She never listens well. She's a robot!  
Mousefur: (In robot tone) I-am-not-a-ro-bot. (Shoots lasers at Longtail) Mu-ah-ha-ha. I-shall-take-o-ver-the-world. (Transforms into a bulldozer and drives out of the camp)  
Mousefur: (Right next to Fireheart) did you see my robot twin? She totally wants to take over the world. Isn't that funny? HAHAHAHA!  
Bluestar: This is just getting too crazy. Let's all get a good night's sleep. Whitestrom, you organize the night patrol.  
Whitestorm: Chilax, Bluey! We all need some Z's!  
Bluestar: Well it won't be my fault if we get raided while we're sleeping.  
Whitestorm: Okizay!  
LATER  
Mysterious voice: EEEEEEEEEEEK! (Car squealing noise)  
Fireheart: (Wakes up) Bluestar needs me.  
Graystripe: Fireheart! Bluestar needs us.  
Fireheart: I know that.  
Graystripe: Oh.  
Evil: ENTER! MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!  
Graystripe: That doesn't scare us.  
Evil: (Gives Graystripe a picture of Brokenstar)  
Graystripe: AAH! It burns!  
Bluestar: Your mission is to bring WindClan back into their territories.  
Fireheart: Cool! This is our first warrior mission.  
Graystripe: You know, Bluey, you could be silly . . . like us-  
Bluestar: WHICH . . . brings me to my next point: it seems that everyone in this forest has gone nutty.  
Fireheart: (Flips through dictionary) Definition of nutty: Mentally unbalanced.  
Graystripe: So?  
Bluestar: SO, I don't want any of you getting into any nonsense during your mission! Got it?  
Fireheart: Yes, sir!  
Bluestar: I'M A SHE-CAT!!  
Fireheart: (Faints)  
Graystripe: Uh, Fireheart, she-cats don't like it when you call them sir.  
Fireheart: . . .

Sandpaw: Jump off a cliff.  
Graystripe: We're on a mission and we can't get into any nonsence.  
Sandpaw: . . . Jump off a cliff.  
Whitestorm: Chill, Sand dawg, they goin' on a mission.  
Sandpaw: Oh. Well on your way back, jump off a cliff.  
Graystripe: Okay. I'll try.  
Fireheart: Bye.  
IN WINDCLAN TERRITORY  
Graystripe: Do you hear that mysterious chanting?  
Fireheart: What chanting?  
Graystripe: Listen!  
RiverClan patrol: (Chanting) Catch-the-rab-bit-ooh-ha-ha-ha-catch-the-rab-bit-ooh-ha-ha-ha . . .  
Leopardfur: RABBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! (Points towards Fireheart)  
Fireheart: The kuku bird thinks I'm a rabbit.  
Graystripe: So run.  
Fireheart: Good idea! (Runs into a badger's den)  
Graystripe: The rabbit went that way (points towards carrion place)  
RiverClan patrol: Thank-you-ooh-gah-ha! (Runs away)  
ROARING, SCRATCHING, YOWLING NOISES  
Fireheart: (Comes out of badger den all beat up)  
Graystripe: I think you just got beat up by a badger.  
Fireheart: You think?  
IN WINDCLAN CAMP  
Graystripe: There's nothing here.  
Fireheart: That's technically impossible. If nothing was here, then-  
Graystripe: I mean there are no WindClan cats here.  
Fireheart: Of course.  
Graystripe: What are we doing here, then?  
Fireheart: . . .  
LATER  
Graystripe: Let's get this party started!  
WindClan: WHOO!  
Raincloud: Upt-chi-whu- . . . Why is WindClan here?!  
Fireheart: Don't look at me. It was Graystripe's idea.  
Graystripe: What's the point of us rescuing WindClan anyway?  
Raincloud: You get to see Ravenpaw-  
Graystripe: Ravenpaw?! REWIND!

REWINDING REWINDING REWINDING REWINDING REWINDING

Graykit: Hey, not dat far bak!

FASTFORWARDING FASTFORWARDING FASTFORWARDING

Graystripe: What are we doing here, then?  
Fireheart: We're going to track down their trail from here.  
Graystripe: Now that we've got a good plan, nothing can stop us now!  
AN ALIEN SPACECRAFT HOVERS OVER THE TWO CATS AND ABDUCTS THEM. A FEW SECONDS AFTER THEY LEAVE, THEY GO BACK AND ABDUCT RAINCLOUD TOO

Mysterious voice: EEEEEEEEEEEK! (Car squealing noise)  
Police: What's the problem, ma'am?  
Twoleg: You won't believe this, but I just saw a UFO . . .  
Police: Uh, huh . . .  
Twoleg: And it dropped down a gray cat . . .  
Police: Uh, huh . . .  
Twoleg: and a rabbit . . .  
Police: Uh, huh . . .  
Twoleg: and Batman . . .  
Police: (Gives twoleg a strange look) Uh, huh . . .  
Twoleg: and last, a parody writer!  
Police: You're nuts. (Drives away)  
Fireheart: Graystripe, I heard that same noise sometime last night.  
Graystripe: Déjà vu?  
Fireheart: No, it must've been a prophecy. WindClan must be here!  
Graystripe: Cool.  
Fireheart: Quick! In this tunnel with the sign that says "WINDCLAN ARE LIVING HERE DO NOT ENTER OR ELSE YOU WILL BE SHOT BY TRANQUILIZERS!"  
INDEED, WHEN THE TWO FOOLISH WARRIORS ENTERED THE TUNNEL, THEY WERE SHOT BY TRANQUILIZERS. THE AUTHOR DOES NOT KNOW WHY THESE WARRIORS WERE HARMED WITH REAL ONES KNOWING THAT SHE ONLY GAVE WINDCLAN FAKE TRANQUILIZERS.  
Rainpelt: WindClan! What happened to the fake ones?  
WindClan: (Whistles)  
LATER  
Raincloud: Okay, we're going to start again. WindClan, I want you to THREATEN them with the FAKE tranquilizers.  
WindClan: (Salute)  
Fireheart: Quick! In this tunnel!  
WindClan: (Shoot the two warriors with real tranquilizers)  
Raincloud: Ugh! What am I going to do with you, WindClan?  
WindClan: . . .  
Raincloud: I won't pay you if you don't behave-  
WindClan: (In a begging position, puppy-dog panting)  
Rainpelt: Good doggies.  
LATER  
Graystripe: Take us to your leader.  
Deadfoot: He's at Busch Gardens.  
Fireheart: Huh?  
VIDEO CLIP OF THE SHEIKRA IN BUSCH GARDENS: AS THE RIDE FALLS, TALLSTAR'S SCREAM IS HEARD ABOVE ALL THE OTHERS  
Graystripe: So you're expecting us to travel all the way to Busch Gardens.  
Fireheart: They're just trying to get rid of us.  
Graystripe: Why would they? They're angels! Look at them.  
WindClan: (Innocent looks + halos over heads)  
Fireheart: We mean no harm. Just let us take you back.  
Deadfoot: Fine.  
AT BARLEY'S FARM  
Graystripe: Where'sRavenpaw? Where'sRavenpaw? Where'sRavenpaw?  
Fireheart: (To WindClan cats) and here, to your right, we have Barley's farm. This is where Barley lives. He helps the clans in need sometimes . . .  
Graystripe: RAVENPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!  
Ravenpaw: RABBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! (Leaps at Fireheart)  
Fireheart: Hey, it's me, Fireheart!  
Ravenpaw: Oh. (Kneels before Graystripe and Fireheart) I'm pleased to see you again. I feel honored to be friends of those who are warriors (Looks warily around) and the two warriors that drove out Tigerclaw and/or killed him!  
Graystripe: Nope. It never happened.  
Ravenpaw: Oh, mousedung.  
Fireheart: Could WindClan sleep here tonight?  
Barley: Evil. You just gotta CHIIIIIIIIIIIL.  
Graystripe: Uh . . . Barley?  
Barley: Huh . . . OH! Wrong script! Sorry. My bad! (Searches papers on desk for right script) Ah. (Clears throat) . . . uh . . . what's this . . . natuurlijk kunt u! What does that mean?!  
Ravenpaw: Barley, I don't think the readers know Dutch.  
Barley: Huh . . . OH! Wrong script again! Sorry. My bad! (Searches papers on desk for right script) Ah. (Clears throat) . . . uh . . . naturalmente você pode!  
Ravenpaw: I can bet that wasn't English.  
Barley: Huh . . . OH! Wrong script again! Sorry. My bad! (Searches papers on desk for right script) Ah. (Clears throat) . . . uh . . .  !  
Ravenpaw: What in the world was THAT?! Barley, just say something!  
Barley: Monkey in a banana!  
Ravenpaw: (Paw on face) Oy. (Turns to WindClan) Of course you can!  
Barley: Hey, that was MY line!  
Ravenpaw: NOW you remember! (Bangs head on desk for the rest of the night)  
MORNING  
Barkface: GASP THERE WILL BE AN UNNECESSARY DEATH! I MUST RETIRE FROM MY JOOOOOOOOOOOOOB! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Screams and runs around in circles)  
WindClan/Fireheart/Graystripe: (Watch in silence)  
Ravenpaw: Okay. Thanks. (Hangs up phone) The doctor told me not to bang my head on desks anymore. (Watches Barkface with others)  
Fireheart: Is your medicine cat always mental like this?  
Deadfoot: Yup! It really makes you wonder how he ever got to be a medicine cat.  
Fireheart: Definitely.

Deadfoot: Alright, let's continue.  
ON THE WAY TO WINDCLAN  
Graystripe: (Listening to iPod) I like to sing! I like to dance! I like to put ants in Bluestar's pants! It makes me crazy, getting the chance, to put some ants in the leader's pants . . .  
Fireheart: (to Deadfoot) I don't know him. He's just a companion.  
Deadfoot: Yeah. Sure.  
Random Twoleg: Hop into my monster!  
Fireheart: I'm rejecting your offer. We've almost reached our destination.  
Random Twoleg: AAAW!  
Fireheart: How about I promise to ride in your monster sometime in this fanfiction.  
Random Twoleg: Deal! (Drives away)  
Morningflower: (Listening to iPod) I like to sing! I like to dance! I like to put ants in Bluestar's pants! It makes me crazy, getting the chance, to put some ants in the leader's pants . . .  
Some other WindClan cats: (Listening to iPods) I like to sing! I like to dance! I like to put ants in Bluestar's pants . . .  
Fireheart: I live in a strange forest. Don't you agree . . . Deadfoot?  
Deadfoot: (Listening to iPod) I like to sing! I like to dance! I like to put ants in Bluestar's pants . . .  
AT WINDCLAN CAMP  
WINDCLAN ARE IN AN AUDIENCE GIVING PLAUDITS TO FIREHEART AND GRAYSTRIPE, WHO ARE ON THE TALLROCK WITH DEADFOOT  
Deadfoot: (As clapping stops) thank you, very much, for bringing us back to our camp. (More clapping) for your kindness, we'd like to give you these medals of Honor. (Gives Fireheart a medal)  
Fireheart: YAAAAAAAY!  
Deadfoot: (Gives Graystripe a medal)  
Graystripe: Hehe . . . it's kinda heavy. (Tries to get up, but falls off the Tallrock)  
Barkface: GO THROUGH RIVERCLAN TERRITORY AND WIN A FREE CHOCOLATE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!  
Deadfoot: I like chocolate, so let's escort you two back to ThunderClan . . . through RiverClan's territory! But first, let's pick another cat.  
Tornear: (Only cat to raise his paw) Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!  
Deadfoot: Uh . . . Onewhisker.  
Onewhisker: Cool.  
Tornear: Darn. I thought I had a pretty good chance of getting picked.  
IN RIVERCLAN  
Fireheart: Oh, great, a RiverClan patrol.  
Graystripe: Maybe they're here to give us our chocolate.  
Onewhisker: You've got a point, there.  
RiverClan/ThunderClan/WindClan: (Stare at each other for a moment)  
Leopardstar: There's the rabbit!  
Fireheart: There's the kuku bird!  
Leopardstar: Ugh! How dare you make fun of my beauty? GET THEM!  
EVERYONE FIGHTS  
Deadfoot: I thought Barkface said we'd win a chocolate bar!  
Barkface: (Heard from across the forest) I'M CRAZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!  
Deadfoot: Oh. I forgot about that.  
Evil: Duh, duh-DUUUUH! ThunderClan are here to save the day! (He and others start fighting)  
Sandpaw: I thought I told you two to jump off a cliff.  
Graystripe: Oh. Sorry, I forgot. (About to jump off the edge of the gorge, but Whiteclaw is in the way)  
Whiteclaw: Hey, watch it! You almost knocked me over-  
Evil: Time to use our secret weapon!!  
Fireheart: What secret weapon-  
BOMB EXPLODES AND CAUSES WHITECLAW TO FALL OFF THE EDGE  
Fireheart: Barkface was actually serious; there was an unnecessary death . . . (looks at Evil) . . . and an unnecessary weapon.  
Evil: I like pencils! (Grins)

Leopardstar: Curse you, gray cat! (Heard from all over the world) CURSE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!  
Gray cats everywhere: I'm feeling . . . a disturbance . . .  
RIVERCLAN LEAVES  
Deadfoot: Well, uh . . . thanks. (Looks at Evil) . . . IT WAS THEIR FAULT! (He and Onewhisker run away)  
Evil: What do you two have to say for yourselves?  
Fireheart/Graystripe: (Exchange glances + point at each other) IT WAS HIS FAULT! (Run away)  
AT THE THUNDERCLAN BORDER  
Evil: Hershey bars alone will save our clan!  
Fireheart: I like bacon! Do you like bacon-  
Sandpaw: I was born in 1924! Snowballs come from Alaska.  
Fireheart: Do you like shopping?  
GRAYSTRIPE COMES  
Fireheart: Nuclear reactors! They destroy zombies-  
Evil: My iPod fell in the sink.  
Graystripe: SIGH May the force be with you.  
Evil: Roar. I'm a dinosaur.  
AT THUNDERCLAN CAMP  
Mousefur: They brought WindClan back home!  
Marching Band: (Plays "I Got Nerve" by Hannah Montana)  
Fireheart: You didn't have to do all this! Seriously, what's with the marching band playing pop music?  
Marching Band: (Stops playing)  
Bluestar: (Comes out of den with an empty tray) Here's a cake for your hard work. You deserve it.  
Fireheart: (Scrutinizes the empty tray) Uh . . . there's nothing here.  
Bluestar: Exactly! How could you have gone through RiverClan territory?!  
Fireheart: Barkface told us we'd win a Hershey Bar.  
Bluestar: Stop making excuses, Fireheart. I thought I could trust you.  
Graystripe: I wasn't Fireheart's fault-  
Evil: It was your entire fault, Fireheart! How could you let this happen?  
Bluestar: Calm down, Evil . . . YOU COULD'VE STARTED A WAR WITH RIVERCLAAAAAAAAAN!  
Fireheart/Graystripe: Sorry, Bluestar.  
Bluestar: SORRY ISN'T ENOUGH! YOU TWO WILL BE CLEANING THE ELDERS FOR THE REST OF LEAF-FALL!!  
Evil: Calm down, Bluestar.  
Fireheart: . . . We rescued WindClan!  
Bluestar: Yes. I know.  
Graystripe: . . .  
Bluestar: Anyway, I want you two to have an apprentice-  
Evil: YES! I get to have a new apprentice and Graystripe and I can compare our apprentices and we can train ours together and . . . and . . .  
Bluestar: I meant Fireheart and Graystripe.  
Evil: (Glares at Fireheart) I'm watching you. (Walks away)  
LATER  
Willowpelt: (Hits a gong next to Fireheart)  
Fireheart: Thanks for waking me up.  
Willowpelt: I only did it because I was bored . . . and because Whitestorm creeps me out.  
Fireheart: Peace.  
Willowpelt: Peace.  
Dustpaw: Fireheart, have some gum.  
Fireheart: OK. (Takes gum and sticks in back into Dustpaw's mouth)  
Dustpaw: Oh, drat. (Head explodes)  
Bluestar: You will be Cinderpaw.  
Cinderpaw: CINDERPAAAAAAAAAAW!  
Bluestar: Your mentor will be Fireheart.  
Cinderpaw: (Snuggles with Fireheart)  
Bluestar: You will be Haikupaw, and your mentor will be Graystripe.  
Haikupaw: _I can't believe it.  
I am an apprentice now.  
Believe it or not._  
Graystripe: I kill a RiverClan warrior, and then I get an apprentice that only talks in Haikus. Could this day get any worse?  
Fireheart: You shouldn't have said that.  
Graystripe: Why not?  
Mailman: Mail for Mr. Graystripe!  
Graystripe: (Reads letter) what?! My father's head exploded in Paraguay? Nope. It couldn't get worse than this.  
Dustpaw: (Points to his headless body)  
Evil: (Listening to a rap song on his iPod) Fireheart's the one who is taking all the fun. He'll fail his mentoring job and be chased by an angry mob. Drive him out of the clan! It's the best possible plan . . .  
ThunderClan: (Stare at him)  
Fireheart: How RUDE!  
A PENCIL FALLS FROM THE SKY  
Evil: (Stares at the pencil temptingly)

Haikupaw: Oh, mentor of mine,  
It's morning so we should start,  
My training, okay?  
Graystripe: Ugh.  
Fireheart: Where's Cinderpaw?  
Haikupaw: . . .  
Fireheart: HELLOOOOOO?  
Haikupaw: I do not reply,  
When I cannot think of a,  
Haiku to recite.  
Graystripe: Oh, brother.  
Fireheart: You don't have a brother. (Leaves in search of Cinderpaw)  
Graystripe: . . . I don't have a brother . . . ?  
Fireheart: (Finds Cinderpaw) Time for training.  
Cinderpaw: OKAY!  
Haikupaw: Let us get going.  
We don't want to waste the day,  
So let's go and train.  
Graystripe: This is going to be a long day.  
AT THE OWL TREE  
Fireheart: See this tree, Cinderpaw? It's the owl tree.  
Cinderpaw: Why do they call it the owl tree?  
FIREHEART STARES BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN CINDERPAW, AND THE OWL TREE, WHICH HAS CARVINGS OF OWLS ALL OVER IT, OWL PODS SURROUNDING IT, AND AN OWL PARTY INSIDE THE HOLE, WHERE MUSIC IS BLARING OUT OF IT  
Fireheart: Uh . . .  
Cinderpaw: Oh, I get it. It's an owl tree because squirrels have their summer camps here!  
Fireheart: . . . O . . . K . . . let's carry on.  
AT THE THUNDERPATH  
Fireheart: Here is the Thunderpath. Monsters run on it.  
Cinderpaw: I don't see any monsters . . . (A bunch of monsters run by) . . . look! A cookie!  
Fireheart: SIGH  
AT TWOLEG PLACE  
Fireheart: This is where I grew up as a kit. Cats and dogs live here with twolegs and is sometimes a wonderful place to be . . . (looks at Cinderpaw) this place sucks.  
Mysterious Kittypet: (Walks by)  
Cinderpaw: I could picture my brother chasing it away: "Hello, kittypet, I want to chase you away, to amuse myself!" (Bursts into laughter)  
Fireheart: Hehe . . . cool. Let's go home.  
BACK AT CAMP  
Fireheart: So, how was your day, Haikupaw- . . . OOPS! (Covers mouth)  
Haikupaw: It was exciting.  
To place your paws outside the,  
Camp is most pleasing.  
Graystripe: Why must you always talk in Haikus?  
Haikupaw: I talk in Haikus  
Because I feel unique and  
That makes me happy.  
Fireheart: Who wants some fresh-kill?  
Cinderpaw: I do!  
Haikupaw: I'd be delighted,  
To have a bite of fresh-kill.  
Please give some to me.  
Runningwind: (Steam coming out of his ears) I can't take it anymore! (Jumps out of a window)  
Fireheart: I'm sure he wasn't talking about you, Haikupaw.  
Graystripe: Uh . . . what's a window doing in the wild?  
Rainpelt: It was one of the props that I wanted to experiment with.  
Graystripe: Oh. But it still doesn't fit with the whole foresty theme.  
Rainpelt: This is a parody. Deal with it.  
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT  
Fireheart: (Suddenly wakes up) GASP that kittypet that walked by us today . . . she owed me four dollars.  
LATER  
Fireheart: (Suddenly wakes up) AND SHE WAS MY SISTER! Which makes me her brother and she's having kits so then I'd be an uncle! It's all so complicated so I'll just go back to sleep. Move on! There's nothing to see here-  
Evil: Who are you talking to?  
Fireheart: My . . . iPod! (Goes back to sleep)  
Evil: Well, DUH! Everyone talks to their iPods! (Goes back to sleep)

Fireheart: Maybe I should see my sister . . .  
Evil: I'm going to the Mart-Mart . . . so Fireheart knows that I'm not suspecting where he is . . . so he can go see his sister . . . and I'm evil . . . and I want to drive him out of the CLAN . . . and I'm the deputy-  
Fireheart: I'm off the hook! (Skips happily out of the camp)  
Cinderpaw: (Dresses in rags next to Graystripe and starts speaking in an English accent) Oh, loving, caring, smart Graystripe, could you please spare me a training session?  
Graystripe: Uh . . . I'm kinda training Haikupaw today.  
Cinderpaw: (Quickly thinks of a lie) I only have three minutes to live.  
Graystripe: GASP you poor thing! You know, I can train two apprentices at once.  
Cinderpaw: (Stops English accent) How?  
Graystripe: Because! I'm Graystripe!  
Cinderpaw: That makes sence. Let us role.  
GRAYSTRIPE AND CINDERPAW MAGICALLY APPEAR ON A MOTORCYCLE WITH SUNGLASSES AND THEY DRIVE TO SNAKEROCKS  
Haikupaw: (Runs after motorcycle then stops) Hey, Graystripe! Wait for,  
Me! I am your real apprentice.  
Why did you leave me?  
AT PRINCESS'S HOUSE  
Fireheart: (To the camera) Okay. I'm about to-  
Evil: (Pushes Fireheart's screen away) Hello! You all get to watch me shop for underwear at the Mart-Mart! (Pushes around a shopping cart as happy music comes on)  
Fireheart: (Pushes Evil's screen away) Uh-hem . . . anyway, I'm going into Princess's yard, but I'm not so sure-  
Evil: (Pushes Fireheart's screen away, pushing a shopping cart through the men's section) Ah. See this kind of stuff? This is what I like to wear-  
Fireheart: (Pushes Evil's screen away) AS I WAS SAYING . . . I'm not so sure if doing this will make the other warriors, like Evil shopping for underwear, send me back to my twolegs . . . (pulls Evil's screen back on)  
Evil: (Pushing a shopping cart full of ladies underwear) . . . GAAH! This isn't what it looks like! (Looks at Fireheart's screen) Traitor!  
Fireheart: She-cat!  
Evil: AAAARG! (Screen disappears)  
Fireheart: Oh, Princess!  
Princess: Yes, Rustman?  
Fireheart: How did you know my name before I could have Raincloud put it on the script as "Rustman?"  
Princess: 'Cause I'm cooler than you.  
Fireheart: Good point.  
Princess: So, how's the wild?  
Fireheart: How did you know I lived in the wild before I told you?  
Princess: 'Cause I'm cooler than Graystripe.  
Fireheart: Again, good point.  
Princess: So, how's the wild?  
Fireheart: Why did you ask again?  
Princess: 'Cause I'm cooler than Raincloud.  
Raincloud: Ugh! I'm offended! I'm going to stop writing this story.  
Princess: Oh. Oka-- --TWO-HOURS-L8R-- --  
Raincloud: Fine. If I didn't write this story, you wouldn't exist.  
Princess: Yes we would. Erin Hunter wrote us first-  
Raincloud: But . . . good point.  
Princess: So anyway-  
Raincloud: TIME'S UP! It's already sunset.  
Fireheart: It is your fault, Raincloud.  
Raincloud: No it isn't. Get back to ThunderClan.  
Fireheart: I will return . . . possibly to bring one of your kits into the clan?  
Princess: Don't make me kill you!  
BACK AT THUNDERCLAN  
Haikupaw: Oh my, Fireheart.  
My mentor abandoned me.  
Can you mentor me?  
Fireheart: It was only for one day.  
Graystripe: Cinderpaw ripped me off! She told me she only had three minutes to live.  
Fireheart: You know she was lying.  
Graystripe: Yeah . . . I kinda figured that out after three minutes passed.  
Evil: (Jumps in front of Fireheart's face) Banana bonanza! (Hops away)  
Fireheart: That was . . . weird . . .

THE FOLLOWING HAS BEEN HAPPENING EVERYDAY SO FAR  
Cinderpaw: (dressed in rags and speaking in an English accent) Oh, Graystripe, Fireheart has abandoned me again. Could you please spare me another training session?  
Graystripe: I told you already that I have to train Haikupaw.  
Cinderpaw: . . . Yellowfang had a prophecy that I was going to die before Haikupaw!  
Graystripe: Oh, you poor thing! I'll mentor you for only ONE more day.  
(Gets on motorcycle with Cinderpaw and drives off)  
Haikupaw: (Running after motorcycle) Please wait-ith for thee!  
My sister's lying to you.  
Don't abandon me.  
THEN LATER IN THE DAY  
Evil: Banana bonanza! (Hops away)  
NO, WAIT, NOT THAT LATER  
Fireheart: Hi Graystripe. Just so you know, I wasn't with my sister, Cathy, today. I was just shopping at the Mart-Mart.  
Graystripe: Okay.  
TODAY  
Fireheart: Another day of sunshine!  
Graystripe: Yeah . . . IT SUCKS!  
Floating gallon of milk: (floats around the clearing)  
Cinderpaw: (Pins down milk)  
Fireheart: Wow! Cinderpaw, you caught the floating milk!  
Cinderpaw: (Sniffs milk) It's not regular milk, Fireheart. It's . . . chocolate milk!  
Fireheart: Chocolate!  
Graystripe: Chocolate!  
Mousefur: Chocolate!  
Yellowfang: Chocolate!  
Bluestar: Chocolate?  
Evil: Chocolate!  
Sandpaw: Chocolate!  
Raincloud: Chocolate!  
ThunderClan: Chocolate!  
Haikupaw: Good morning, Graystripe.  
What is today's assignment?  
I hope we may hunt.  
Graystripe: Nope. Today, we're . . . (searches clipboard for lesson plans) . . . going . . . hunting.  
Cinderpaw: Yay!  
Haikupaw: . . .  
Graystripe: Why didn't you respond?  
Haikupaw: Haven't I told you?  
I don't speak when I don't have,  
A haiku to say.  
Fireheart: That makes sense.  
NEAR THE RIVER  
Cinderpaw: The River is frozen.  
Graystripe: Man, Cinderpaw, you're worse than Longtail.  
Fireheart: We were supposed to catch a vole before you said that.  
Graystripe: (Jumps onto the ice, breaks it, and starts drowning)  
Fireheart: Now you're worse than Cinderpaw!  
Cinderpaw: Isn't this the part when princess Silverstream saves Graystripe?  
Fireheart: Yeah, but she isn't coming.  
ONE MINUTE LATER  
Haikupaw: We are waiting here,  
Desperately waiting for her.  
Silverstream, please come.  
ANOTHER MINUTE LATER  
Fireheart: Where is Silverstream?  
VIDEO CLIP OF SILVERSTREAM NOW: SHE'S PLAYING TEA PARTY WITH HER DOLLS  
Silverstream: I can see the hidden camera, Raincloud.  
Raincloud: . . . hehe . . . I don't know what she's talking about!  
Silverstream: Why can't I just let him drown?  
Raincloud: Well, without Graystripe, then there wouldn't really be a story-  
Silverstream: But I die!  
Raincloud: So?  
Silverstream: Whatever. (Rescues Graystripe)  
Graystripe: Wow. I thought I was fresh-kill-  
Silverstream: Shut up and let me walk away. (Swims back to RiverClan)  
BACK AT CAMP  
Evil: (Posing in front of mirror) Yeah, I look GOOD!  
Fireheart/Graystripe/Haikupaw/Cinderpaw: (Stare in horror)  
Evil: This is MY private time! And wasn't I supposed to come to you?  
Fireheart: Everything changes.  
Evil: Fine. Graystripe, why were you in RiverClan territory?  
Graystripe: I wasn't in RiverClan territory.  
Evil: Liar, liar! Pants on fire!  
Graystripe: I'm not lying!  
Evil: Well, you're pants ARE on fire.  
Graystripe: (Looks down at his own burning pants) Oh. Right.

Evil: So, what's the truth?  
Cinderpaw: It was my fault. I stole a slice of pizza from Haikupaw, and then Graystripe was so angry that he jumped into the river.  
Fireheart/Graystripe: (Confused looks on their faces)  
Evil: You're pants are not on fire, so I believe you. (Walks away)  
Cinderpaw: (After an awkward silence) I don't even have pants.  
LATER  
Graystripe: Ugh. Yellowfang just fed me some poison ivy. No . . . wait . . . she fed me lavender.  
Fireheart: Wow. The words lavender and poison ivy are so hard to tell apart.  
Graystripe: Exactly!  
Fireheart: (Shakes head, annoyed)  
Mousefur: Evil wants you . . . dead-  
Fireheart: I know. (Walks over to Evil)  
Evil: You need to assess Haikupaw and Cinderpaw tomorrow.  
Fireheart: Okay.  
Whitestorm: Gimme some fish n' chips while yo there.  
Fireheart: Got it.  
Whitestorm: You all right, Lil' Dawg.  
TOMORROW  
Fireheart: All right, Cinderpaw and Haikupaw, you two need to hunt in the tallpines near twolegplace.  
Cinderpaw: Uh . . .  
Haikupaw: What Cinderpaw means,  
Is that Evil wants to catch,  
You in twolegplace.  
Fireheart: Who cares? Off you go!  
Cinderpaw/Haikupaw: (Race off)  
AS FIREHEART SECRETLY FOLLOWS THE TWO APPRENTICES, HE'S SEEN CINDERPAW AND HAIKUPAW CATCH MUCH PREY, SUCH AS MICE, VOLES, RABBITS, BIRDS, AND STRANGLY ENOUGH, KANGAROOES.  
Fireheart: (watching Haikupaw catch a wood mouse) Yeah! He caught the mousey, mousey!  
Cinderpaw: (points at Fireheart) RABBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!  
Fireheart: NOOO! It's me, Fireheart.  
Cinderpaw: Oh. Sorry. (Runs away)  
FIREHEART TURNS AROUND TO SEE A PERFECTLY ARRANGED FISH AND CHIPS MEAL RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, WITH SUN RAYS BEAMING DOWN ON IT AND ANGELS SINGING "HALLELUIAH"  
Fireheart: Whitestorm will sure be happy.  
BACK AT CAMP  
Cinderpaw/Haikupaw: (Each carry in a mouse)  
Evil: That's pathetic!  
Cinderpaw/Haikupaw: (Snap fingers)  
A HUGE DUMPTRUCK BREAKS THROUGH THE CAMP WALL AND DUMPS TWICE AS MUCH PREY ON EVIL AS LAST TIME  
Evil: . . . ouch.  
Fireheart: I've taught them so much. Cries  
Bluestar: Since Graystripe is . . . ill . . . I want you to mentor Haikupaw also.  
Fireheart: What? No way! I don't want to mentor someone who says haikus all the time . . . (turns around)  
Haikupaw: (looks at Fireheart with "Puss-in-Boots" eyes)  
Fireheart: . . . KIDDING! Hehe.  
Evil: Fireheart, your little friend is back.  
Fireheart: He just needs some time away from the camp-  
Evil: DISRESPECTFUL! (Hops away)  
Graystripe: (Walks past) ello.  
Fireheart: Ello.  
DREAM-CATCHER FALLS FROM GRAYSTRIPE'S PELT  
Fireheart: Wait a second . . . dream-catchers are only made from the villagers in RiverClan. I wonder . . . is Graystripe . . . HAVING NIGHTMARES ABOUT DIRTY LAUNDRY?!

THE NEXT DAY  
Runningwind: Chilly, eh-  
Fireheart: AAAAAAAAAAAH! I WON'T BE HURT BY YOU, MEAN EVIL-  
Runningwind: Are you . . . having nightmares about dirty laundry?  
Fireheart: Actually, it's about-  
Runningwind: Don't care. You need to train the apprentices today. NOW GET YOUR TAIL IN THE TRAINING HOLLOW BEFORE I SHOVE THAT DREAM CATCHER UP YOUR NOSE!  
Fireheart: (Dumbstruck by Runningwind's harsh tone then looks at script) uh, aren't you supposed to be a bit . . . nicer?  
Runningwind: I don't care what the mouse-brained script says!  
Fireheart: (Runs away in panic)  
AT THE TRAINING HOLLOW  
Fireheart: I'm going to give you a hunting lesson today.  
Cinderpaw: Not the "Rabbit hears you, mouse fears you" lesson again!  
Fireheart: Actually it's the "Rabbit hears you, mouse feels you" lesson.  
Cinderpaw: YAY!  
Runningwind: You're too enthusiastic.  
Cinderpaw: . . .  
Runningwind: DON'T MAKE ANOTHER MEW OR I'LL REMOVE YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS!  
Cinderpaw: (Runs for the hills)  
Haikupaw: I do not believe  
That you should scare Cinderpaw  
To get what you want.  
Runningwind: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! (Jumps out of a window)  
Haikupaw: . . .  
Fireheart: Toodles! (Goes off to find Graystripe)  
Haikupaw: Don't abandon me!  
Graystripe had abandoned me.  
How could you do this? Cries  
FIREHEART FINDS GRAYSTRIPE LAYING ON SUNNINGROCKS WITH A BATHING SUIT AND SUNGLASSES  
Fireheart: I know Graystripe . . . and he does NOT wear sunglasses. In fact, no cat wears sunglasses.  
Silverstream: (comes out of the river with bathing suit on) I'm HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE! Who missed me?  
Graystripe: I did!  
Silverstream: Oh, you! (Lays by Graystripe and snuggles with him)

Fireheart: (Blows whistle) HEY! No snuggling allowed on ThunderClan territory.  
Graystripe: But-Fi-re-heart,-I-am-not-snug-gling-with-this-Riv-er-Clan-cat.  
Fireheart: Don't lie to me. Not with her grooming you there!  
Silverstream: (Grooming Graystripe)  
Fireheart: Graystripe, let's get going.  
Graystripe: Good-bye-cat-who-I-do-not-know.  
Silverstream: Good-bye, my wittle gway lovey-dovey!  
Fireheart: Graystripe, you have to stop seeing her.  
Graystripe: I-can-not-stop-see-ing-her.-She-un-der-stands-me.  
Fireheart: And stop talking like that.  
Graystripe: I-am-a-fraid-I-can-not.  
Fireheart: SIGH  
BACK AT CAMP  
Whitestorm: Yo, Gray-dawg and Lil' dawgie. Gray-dawg is wack. He should be restin'.  
Graystripe: I-am-so-sor-ry-White-storm.  
Whitestorm: Dang, his cold is friki-friki-worse, yo.  
Fireheart: That's right. He's going to his den now. (Walks away with Graystripe)  
Willowpelt: Uh, hi, how are you doin'?  
Whitestorm: I-  
Willowpelt: And if you say "friki-friki-fresh" I'm gonna hurt you.  
NEAR RIVERCLAN BORDER  
Fireheart: I hope no one catches me here-  
RiverClan warrior: RABIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!  
Fireheart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
Silverstream: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Fireheart: Phew.  
Silverstream: Let ME catch it.  
Fireheart: Drat.  
Silverstream: (Get's closer . . . and closer . . .)  
Fireheart: (Curled up in a ball, sucking his thumb)  
Silverstream: It's all right, chicken, I'm not going to eat you.  
Fireheart: I'm no chicken . . . I'm a rabbit!  
Silverstream: Yeah.  
Fireheart: Stop seeing Graystripe.  
Silverstream: . . . okay! (Begins to skip away)  
Fireheart: Psst, Silverstream read what's on the script.  
Silverstream: (Reads script) No, I will never stop seeing Graystripe and besides, I'm RiverClan's princess.  
Fireheart: Fine. (Both walk away)  
BACK AT CAMP  
Cinderpaw: It's raining, it's pouring,  
Yellowfang's playing her violin.  
She hit her head, went to bed,  
And couldn't play until morning.  
Yellowfang: (Playing a sad song on her violin)  
Fireheart: What's with the sad vibes?  
Yellowfang: A kit has Whitecough and won't take his medicine. Will you get him to take his medicine?  
Fireheart: (Turns to the kit) EAT YOUR MEDICINE OR I WILL HURT YOU! I'LL THROUGH YOU OFF A CLIFF, THROW YOU ON THE THUNDERPATH, OR EVEN FEED YOU LIMA BEANS!!  
Kit: (Stuffs face with medicine)  
Yellowfang: Just don't overdose, sweetie!  
Kit's mother: (Slaps Fireheart)  
Fireheart: She must've heard my violent threat.  
Yellowfang: Oh, yeah, and Bluestar has whitecough too.  
Fireheart: WHAT? She only has two lives left or something, and she's the only one of us that actually makes sense!  
Yellowfang: Too bad. (Continues to play sad song)

Barkface: (Heard from across the forest) BLUESTAR HAS GREENCOUGH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Atomic explosion seen in the direction of the WindClan camp)  
Willowpelt: The psycho medicine cat is right. Bluestar has greencough!  
Fireheart: Could life get any worse?  
Yellowfang: Watch out, Fireheart, the hunting patrol is back.  
Dustpaw: RABIIIIIIIIIIIIT!  
Fireheart: NOOOOOOOO!  
Sandpaw: (Whacks Dustpaw in the head with an anvil)  
Dustpaw: (Passes out)  
Fireheart: I think he had a message.  
Evil: (Heard from across the forest) I NEED BLUESTAR TO COME TO THE BURNT ASH TREE NEAR THE THUNDERPATH!  
Sandpaw: Then what was the point of sending Dustpaw?  
Fireheart: So you could hit him with the anvil.  
Sandpaw: Cool. (Walks away)  
Yellowfang: (Yelling to Evil) BLUESTAR'S SICK!  
Evil: (Yelling back) Uh . . . THEN SEND FIREHEART!  
Yellowfang: (Yelling again) HE'S FETCHING ME CATNIP FOR BLUESTAR!  
Fireheart: (As the two continue to scream at each other) I am? Okay. (Goes to find catnip)  
Cinderpaw: Fireheart abandoned me again! I hate him. And Graystripe is gone too. Maybe I could ask Evil to train me! (Leaves)  
LATER IN THE TWOLEG GARDEN  
Fireheart: I'm not too sure about this place . . .  
FIREHEART LOOKS OUT INTO THE TWOLEG GARDEN FILLED WITH BEAR TRAPS, SECURITY CAMERAS, VICIOUS DOGS IN AN UNLOCKED CAGE, AND KANGAROOS.  
Fireheart: I think this the right time to call . . . (whistles)  
Twoleg: (Drives up to Fireheart) Hop in!  
Fireheart: (Gets into the car)  
THE CAR BREAKS THROUGH THE FENCE, DRIVES THROUGH THE TWOLEG'S FIELD OF CATNIP, AND BREAKS ALL THE SECURITY CAMERAS. THE DOGS COME AFTER THE CAR, BUT WHEN THEY GET CLOSE, THEY GET SHOCKED.  
Fireheart: Dog resistant. Nice. Must've been expensive.  
CATNIP FLIES EVERYWHERE AND FIREHEART GRABS SOME  
Cinderpaw: (From across the forest) AAAAAAAAAAH!  
Fireheart: That was Cinderpaw! Step on it, twoleg!  
Monster: (Drives to Cinderpaw)  
AT CINDERPAW  
Fireheart: CINDERPAW!  
Cinderpaw: (Lying on the ground with an injured leg) Fireheart . . . I have to tell you something . . . BLUEBERRY MUFFIN! (Passes out)  
Fireheart: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Leprechaun: Stop yer whinin'.  
Fireheart: Uh . . .  
Leprechaun: Time to get movin'! It's time for meh dance. (Dances away)  
Fireheart: O . . . kay . . .  
Evil: (Comes in carrying a pile of girl magazines) GAH! This is my private "act like a girl" time!  
Fireheart: . . . Then I'll leave.  
Evil: Good. And just so you know, I didn't run over Cinderpaw with a monster. (Evil's pants set on fire)  
Fireheart: I'll believe you . . . for now. (Carries Cinderpaw back to ThunderClan)  
BACK AT THE CAMP  
Yellowfang: (Plays extremely joyful music)  
Fireheart: How RUDE! (Patting Cinderpaw)  
Yellowfang: Can't you see? New England beat Philidelphia! Whoo!  
Fireheart: (Suddenly ignores Cinderpaw) REALLY?!  
Yellowfang: Yeah! Let's PARTY!! (Turns on conga music)  
Clan: (Forms a conga line) Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!  
Raincloud: (Joins conga line) Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!  
Yellowfang: WAAAAAAIT. I need to examine Cinderpaw. (Barely glances at Cinderpaw) Yep. She'll live. LET'S CONGA!  
Clan: Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!  
THE NEXT MORNING  
Bluestar: (Comes out of the den) I'm CURED!  
Fireheart: That's great! Did the catnip help?  
Bluestar: No. I died. (Skips merrily to Yellowfang's den)  
Fireheart: GAAAAAAAH! (Mouth drops to the ground)

Fireheart: (Looks out of the den) Wow! It's a miracle! Tons of snow! (Walks into the snow and gets lost) . . . AAAAAAAAH! HEEEEELP! CAN'T . . . BREEEEATHE! JUST SNOOOOOW! SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE- (Climbs to the surface near the leader's den)  
Speckletail: Oh, my, gosh! THREE OF OUR KITS HAVE GREENCOUGH! It's a tragedy. IT'S A TRAGEDYYYYY! OHWHYOHWHYOHWHYYYYYY?!  
Fireheart: CHIIIIIIL. I'm sure I can get something for that. (Calmly walks toward the camp wall. Once he's out, he runs for his life) Catnip catnip catnip catnip . . .  
Princess: (Pops up over the kittypet fence with a mouthful of catnip)  
Fireheart: PRINCESS! I was going to find that myself!  
Princess: To bad, Warrior Boy. I'm in a BAAD mood today so BACK OFF . . . (sweetly) so, how are you today, my sweet, sweet brother of mine?  
Fireheart: Well, I actually . . .  
Princess: I HATE YOU, RUSTMAN! YOU RAN OFF INTO THE WILD WITHOUT TELLING ME!  
Fireheart: But-  
Princess: DON'T YOU BUT ME! YOU'RE THE MOST . . . wonderful brother I've ever had going into the wild and becoming a . . . STUPID, RETARDED WARRIOR! LEAVE MY PRESENCE! YOU'RE BREATHING MY VALUABLE AIR!  
Fireheart: (Takes the catnip and runs)  
Princess: DON'T YOU LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE! . . . Take care, my sweet warrior brother!  
BACK AT THUNDERCLAN  
Whitestorm: The catnip is friki-friki-fresh! Word.  
Haikupaw: Thatz right my big dawg.  
Catnip helps catz who are wack.  
And we give ya'll thankz.  
Whitestorm: Nice use of da Z's! Get it? Da Z's? Disease?  
Haikupaw: . . . (Walks away and laughs with Whitestorm)  
Fireheart: Oh, no. Now there're two of them!  
Evil: Actually, there's three.  
Fireheart: Who's the third one?  
Evil: (Points at Graystripe, coming into the camp)  
Fireheart: Oh, yeah. Graydoofus. I'll go talk to him. (Walks over to Graystripe) Hey. Evil know's you've been absent for all these days.  
Graystripe: I don't care, and I think it's time for you to mind your own business.  
Fireheart: (Comes up with a lie) If you keep dating Silverstream, you'll end up like Cinderpaw. (Pants light on fire)  
Graystripe: First of all, my love for Silverstream is stronger than anything. And second, I know you're lying. (Walks away)  
Fireheart: I need to stop wearing pants.

Whitestorm: Yo, Lil' Dawg-  
Fireheart: It's BIG Dawg now.  
Whitestorm: Lil' Dawg's fly, yo.  
Fireheart: O . . . K . . .  
Whitestorm: Anywhos, you takin' Sand Dawg off huntn'. K?  
Fireheart: (Explodes)  
Whitestorm: . . . that's crazy, man.  
THE NEXT DAY  
Sandpaw: Hey, Fireheart! Are you ready to go hunting?  
Fireheart: (Reassembled) No.  
Sandpaw: Cool. Now let's get started. (Both run out the camp)  
Fireheart: Just so you know-  
Sandpaw: (Whacks Fireheart with a thesaurus)  
Fireheart: Hey! What did you do that for?  
Sandpaw: It was just sitting there. Doesn't everything have a purpose?  
Fireheart: Yeah, but why a thesaurus?  
Sandpaw: Because it's a THESAURUS! Now hurry up. I'm faster than you.  
Fireheart: No you're not-  
Sandpaw: (Whacks Fireheart with a thesaurus)  
Fireheart: Why must you keep hitting me with a thesaurus?  
Sandpaw: BECAUSE IT'S A THESAURUS! (Runs off)  
Fireheart: Wait! (Runs after)  
Sandpaw: THE RIVER'S FROZEN! (Whacks Fireheart with a stunned rabbit)  
Fireheart: OW! Why a stunned rabbit?  
Sandpaw: Because it was sitting there.  
Fireheart: The river's frozen.  
Sandpaw: Let's tell Bluestar. WE CAN RAID RIVERCLAN!!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!

Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!

Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!

Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!

Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: YEAH!  
Sandpaw: YEAH!  
Fireheart: WE'RE INSANE!  
Sandpaw: I KNOW! (Both run off)  
BACK AT CAMP  
Sandpaw: Evil, the river is frozen.  
Evil: That's nice, dear.  
Runningwind: (Comes into the camp panting) Evil, the river's frozen!  
Evil: That's nice, dear.  
Random kit: (Sleepwalks around the camp) Evil, the river's frozen. Evil, the river's frozen. Evil, the river's frozen . . .  
Evil: GASP! Everyone who's here, follow me to the river!  
Sandpaw and Fireheart: (Exchange glances)  
AT THE RIVER  
Evil: Yes! The river IS frozen. We can cross and raid RiverClan!  
Clan: YAY.  
JUST BEFORE THE EXCITED THUNDERCLANNERS COULD CROSS, A LONG, SLOW PARADE OF CIRCUS TWOLEGS AND OTHER ANIMALS ICE SKATE ALONG THE RIVER.  
Evil: . . . See? We can still cross. The river didn't melt.  
THE RIVER MELTS  
Evil: Mouse dung.

Evil: Sandpaw . . . THIS IS YOUR ENTIRE FAULT!!  
Sandpaw: What? I didn't do anything!  
Evil: Yeah, right! You were the one that hired the circus to prove me wrong.  
Sandpaw: But it just wouldn't make sense!  
Evil: Go to your room!  
Sandpaw: We're in the forest. We don't have rooms!  
Evil: Then go jump off a cliff.  
Sandpaw: YOU jump off a cliff!  
Evil: Fine! (Jumps off a cliff)  
ThunderClan: (Looks down the cliff stupefied)  
Fireheart and Sandpaw: YAY!  
Evil: (Makes angry penguin calls from the bottom)  
Fireheart: We better run.  
ThunderClan: (Run back to camp)  
AT CAMP  
Graystripe: Psst . . . Fireheart!  
Fireheart: (Goes through secret entrance) What?  
Graystripe: (Throws dynamite to Fireheart)  
Fireheart: Oh, you got me a . . . (reads label that says EXPLOSIVE) Ah . . . you got me one of those-  
DYNAMITE EXPLODES  
Evil: (Comes in with a firetruck and sprays Fireheart with a hose)  
Fireheart: HEY! It's below freezing outside! Do you know what could happen to me . . . (freezes)  
Evil: Strange . . . the river melted, but Fireheart remained frozen. (Writes on a notepad) This concludes my experiment. My hypothesis was correct; friction does create heat . . .  
Graystripe: . . . and he doesn't know how to use a Gameboy.  
LATER AT PRINCESS'S HOUSE  
Princess: Come IIIIIIIIIIIIN!  
Fireheart: Hi.  
Princess: I SAID COME IN!!  
Fireheart: Raincloud has to say I come in.  
Princess: RAINCLOUD, TELL FIREHEART TO COME IN!  
Raincloud: No. I'm doing a book report. Gosh.  
Princess: (Sighs and throws kit at Fireheart) Take the stupid kit to ThunderClan. Good day. (Slams door)  
Fireheart: This wasn't exactly the type of meeting I had in mind.  
Raincloud: It's a parody. Deal with it

Fireheart: (Comes into the camp with kit)  
ThunderClan: (Stares)  
Fireheart: Hi.  
ThunderClan: Hi.  
Fireheart: Bye.  
ThunderClan: Bye.  
Fireheart: I'll be going back here for a minute.  
ThunderClan: I'll be going back here for a minute.  
Fireheart: I'll give you 100,000.  
ThunderClan: Thank you. (Resumes whatever they're doing)  
Fireheart: Mouse dung. (Turns away and begins talking to the kit) someday you'll be the most powerful cat in the forest. You'll be more powerful than me. You'll be a leader! I'm so proud of you.  
Kit: (Stares blankly at Fireheart)  
Fireheart: Sigh I'm talking to a newborn kit. I'm stupid. (Picks up kit and enters camp again)  
Longtail: Why do you have another kittypet with you?  
Fireheart: Why, it's KITTYPET DAY!  
ThunderClan: Kittypet day?  
Fireheart: Yeah! It's when you bring cats into the forest that are from twolegplace and start dancing around . . . like penguins!  
Evil: I like this day! (Dances like a penguin)  
ThunderClan: (Stares)  
Sandpaw: Wait a minute . . . didn't you mention earlier that you hated kittypets and wanted to kill them all-  
Evil: Shut up, lowly apprentice!  
Sandpaw: Whatever.  
ALL THE CATS IN THE THUNDERCLAN CAMP, EVEN BLUESTAR, DANCED LIKE PENGUINS UNTIL SUNSET  
Fireheart: So, Bluey-  
Bluestar: DON'T CALL ME THAT!!  
Fireheart: Whatever. What will you name the kit?  
Bluestar: Cloudkit.  
Fireheart: Will you have a ceremony?  
Bluestar: No.  
Fireheart: Why not?  
Bluestar: Because he's the first kit ever to have a name in Clan history and I don't know what to say in a speech. Right, Raincloud?  
Raincloud: (Flips through all of the Warriors books) Yup. Bluestar's right.  
Bluestar: There. (Begins to walk away, and then turns back to Fireheart) Oh, yeah. You owe us 100,000. (Walks away)

Cinderpaw: RABIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! (Tries to pounce, but trips over her legs)  
Fireheart: Poor you. Just keep reminding yourself that I'm really Fireheart.  
Cinderpaw: Sorry. It's just that you look just like a rabbit!  
Fireheart: HOW?!  
Cinderpaw: . . . I don't know. Raincloud's making me say these things.  
Raincloud: Shut up.  
Cinderpaw: But-  
Raincloud: Shh!  
Cinderpaw: But I-  
Raincloud: Zilch.  
Fireheart: And my time is up, here. Bye, bye! (Runs away)  
Cinderpaw: (Lies down and whines like a puppy)  
Longtail: Hey, Firedoofus, your baby nephew looks lovely today! (laughs like crazy with Dustpaw)  
Fireheart: (Rolls eyes and walks away) Wow, they must be drunk or something.  
Bluestar: I agree . . . that everyone must be drunk. You and Graystripe will go to the gathering. I need a bubble bath. (Walks into her den) On second thought, let's all go to the movies . . . wait . . . nope . . . I'll just stay here.  
Fireheart: Wooooooooooooow.  
AT THE GATHERING  
Onewhisker: Hey, Fireheart! Long-time-no-see!  
Fireheart: Yeah. Whatever. Listen, I-  
Bluestar: SCREEEECH Tonight, I shall murder Yellowfang for feeding me those herbs in attempt to make me insane like the rest of you.  
Yellowfang: Leader say what?!  
Bluestar: But first I must continue the gathering by saying RIVERCLAN AND SHADOWCLAN HAVE BEEN HUNTING ON OUR TERRITORY!  
Crookedstar: NO WE HAVEN'T! IT WAS YOU WHO WAS HUNTING ON OUR TERRITORY!  
Tallstar: WE JUST WANTED OUR FREE CHOCOLATE BAR!  
Crookedstar: I BET THUNDERCLAN AND WINDCLAN ARE FORMING AN ALLIANCE!  
Fireheart: (As the leaders are shouting, he slowly takes earplugs from his pants pocket and puts them in his ears)  
Bluestar: WE ARE OUR OWN CLAN! WE DON'T FORM ALLIANCES!  
Crookedstar: ALSO, THERE'S BEEN A SPY IN RIVERCLAN WITH A THUNDERCLAN SCENT!  
Bluestar: THERE ARE NO SPIES IN OUR CLAN!  
Graystripe: (Hides under a blanket)  
Nightstar: MY NAME IS NIGHTSTAR!!  
Everyone: (Stares)  
Tallstar: This gathering is SO over.  
Everyone except Nightstar: (Leaves)  
Nightstar: . . . what?

Fireheart: Graystripe, we have to talk.  
Graystripe: I know what you're going to say: You can't see Silverstream! You can't see Silverstream! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! How about I just see her at fourtrees? There. Happy?!  
FIREHEART IS ABOUT TO NUZZLE GRAYSTRIPE'S FUR, BUT HE RUNS AWAY AND FIREHEART LEANS INTO NOTHING AND ROLLS DOWN A HILL INTO A MUD PUDDLE  
Frogs: Ribbit. Ribbit.  
Fireheart: No, I'm not a rabbit.  
AT THUNDERCLAN  
Bluestar: All cats old enough to catch their own prey join beneath the high-rock for a clan meeting.  
Clan: (Gathers)  
Bluestar: Alright, clan, RiverClan and ShadowClan are threatening alliance. We must increase patrols and stuff. Good night.  
Sandpaw: Short meeting huh, Firepaw?  
Firepaw: GAH! (Runs to den)  
MORNING  
Cloudkit: Hey, Fireheart!  
Fireheart: Hey.  
Cloudkit: (In a man voice) let's play some MOSSBALL!  
Fireheart: (Astonished by his nephew's voice change) O . . . K.  
Cloudkit: (Throws mossball)  
Fireheart: (Accidently hits Evil in the head with the ball) Oops.  
Evil: (Falls over) AAAH! THE AGONY!  
Fireheart/Cloudtail: Run! (Both run away)  
Fireheart: (To self) I suddenly have a strange feeling that Evil might've run Cinderpaw over with a monster . . . Nah.  
Sandpaw: Ready to go, Fireheart?  
Fireheart: GAH! (Runs behind Mousefur)  
Sandpaw: What's up with Fireheart?  
Mousefur: Isn't it obvious? He likes you.  
Fireheart: NOOOO! (Hits self in head with thesaurus)  
Mousefur: Aw, look. He misses you!  
Whitestorm: Lez go ya'll. (Patrol leaves)  
AT SNAKEROCKS  
Mousefur: ShadowClan!  
Fireheart: You could've said that before we got here. There are photographs of clowns scattered all over the place.  
Sandpaw: You could've said that after we started exploring. (Whacks Fireheart with a dictionary)  
Fireheart: STOP WHACKING ME WITH THESAURUSES!  
Sandpaw: It's a DICTIONARY!  
Fireheart: We'll get revenge!  
Sandpaw: For me hitting you with books?  
Fireheart: No, for ShadowClan trespassing on our territory!  
AT CAMP  
Yellowfang: Let me guess: Brokenstar is about to attack our camp.  
Mousefur: No! ShadowClan's on our territory!  
Evil: Every warrior except for Fireheart, follow me! (They leave)  
A TUMBLEWEED ROLLS THROUGH THE DESERTED CAMP  
Fireheart: Haikupaw, go find Evil and tell him not to attack ShadowClan.  
Dustpaw: Why?  
Yellowfang: These clown pictures are obviously from Brokenstar and his clownish crew.  
Haikupaw: (Leaves)  
Dustpaw: Fireheart, why did you send Haikupaw? He'll send Evil and everyone else through Raincloud's prop windows!  
Sandpaw: Tough hedgehogs. I think it was very wise of Fireheart.  
Fireheart: Shudders  
One-eye: EEK! It's Brokenstar!  
Brokenstar: Are you the last warrior in the camp?  
Fireheart: No. Sandp . . . claw's a warrior.  
Sandpaw: Aw, Fireheart! (Throws thesaurus at him)  
Fireheart: (Ducks and thesaurus knocks Brokenstar over)  
Sandpaw: You weren't supposed to duck, you lovable idiot.  
Brokenstar: We were only taking a survey to see how well defended each camp was, but now you've made us angry. Attack!

Sandstorm: I'll help Fireheart find Cloudkit!  
Fireheart: Okay.  
Sandstorm: But I have to do something first before we leave.  
Fireheart: What?  
Sandstorm: (Hits Fireheart with a snowball)  
Fireheart: That was cold!  
Sandstorm: Duh. It's snow. (Both leave)  
AT CLOUDKIT  
Fireheart: CLOUDKIT! WHERE ARE YOU?  
Cloudkit: Over here!  
Fireheart: There you are!  
Cloudkit: (Hits Fireheart with a snowball)  
Fireheart: Hey!  
Cloudkit: Throwing snowballs is the style now, Fireheart. Try it!  
Fireheart: (Throws snowball at Cloudkit)  
Cloudkit: What did you do that for?  
Fireheart: But you just told me to-  
Cloudkit: Throwing snowballs is SOOOO three seconds ago!  
Fireheart: Oh. Sorry.  
Sandstorm: You don't have to be sorry that you're so old fashioned. Some cats are just like that.  
Fireheart: Grr . . .  
AT CAMP  
Fireheart: Here's Cloudkit.  
Raincloud: Thank you, Fireheart. He has broken the warrior code and Bluestar wants him to know that.  
Fireheart: Got it.  
LATER  
Fireheart: Good catch, Cloudpaw!  
Cloudpaw: (Rides away on Barkface's back)  
Barkface: (Whinnies)  
Spottedleaf: There's a battle coming, Fireheart. I love you.  
Fireheart: Am I going to die?  
Spottedleaf: Beware a warrior you cannot trust.  
Fireheart: . . . so I WILL die?  
Spottedleaf: (Dissapears)  
Cloudpaw: (From across the forest) TWIX IS BETTER THAN KOALAS! (Explodes)  
Fireheart: (Wakes up) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO . . . A warrior I cannot trust?  
HE LOOKS AT THE TWO WARRIORS, GRAYSTRIPE AND EVIL. GRAYSTRIPE IS JUST SLEEPING IN HIS NEST AND EVIL HAS NEON ARROWS POINTING AT HIM THAT READ _WARRIOR THAT CANNOT BE TRUSTED_.  
Fireheart: I get it, Spottedleaf: I cannot trust Graystripe

THE NEXT MORNING  
Barkface: (From across the forest) WE'RE BEING ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKED!! Explodes  
Evil: The nutty medicine cat is right! They're being attacked!  
Bluestar: Like he's the only nutty cat in this forest. (Glares at ThunderClan) Ugh.  
Fireheart: Barkface is crazy. How do you know WindClan's really being attacked?  
Evil: I don't know.  
Fireheart: . . . Good enough for me.  
Evil: I want some warriors to come with me to WindClan. Let's MOVE!  
Fireheart: I'll come!  
Graystripe: I'll come!  
Fireheart: Oh, gosh.  
SOME WARRIORS LEAVE AS A BOTTLE OF HAIRSPRAY FALLS FROM THE SKY  
Yellowfang: (Comes out of den) this could be useful.  
MEANWHILE  
Willowpelt: Evil, we're being followed!  
Evil: HIDE! (Everyone hides in a bush)  
Cloudkit: Where is everyone? They probably died.  
All the kits: (Lower heads with grief)  
Cloudkit: Let's go back to the camp. (All the kits leave)  
Evil: Aw. I kinda wanted Fireheart to take them back so that he misses the battle.  
Fireheart: What did you just say?  
Evil: NOTHING! (Thinking to self) did I say that out loud?  
Fireheart: Yes.  
Evil: !!  
AT THE BATTLE  
Graystripe: (Throws dynamite at the cats)  
ShadowClan: (Run away)  
Dynamite: (Doesn't explode)  
Graystripe: It was a fake!  
Runningwind: Nice.  
Fireheart: Die, Silverstream! (Attacks Silverstream)  
Silverstream: Wha . . . why are you attacking me? Puss-in-boots eyes  
Fireheart: (Let's Silverstream go)  
Leopardfur: RABBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!  
Fireheart: (As Leopardfur pounces) NOOOOOOOOO!  
Leopardfur: I will get revenge for you calling me a kuku bird! (Rips Fireheart)  
Fireheart: AAAAAAAAH! Evil! Help me!  
Evil: Why would I help you? (Pulls out camera) I'm making a documentary about your pathetic life: The Rabbit . . . (starts filming) come on, Rabbit! I need more pitiful mewling!  
Fireheart: Not today. (Flings Leopardfur to Australia)  
Willowpelt: Hey, Fireheart! You fought really well. The battle is over.  
Fireheart: Insanity.  
Evil: Fireheart, I saw you letting a RiverClan she-cat go. Why?  
Fireheart: She gave me 50 to let her go.  
Evil: (Thinks) I guess I would've done that too. You're off the hook.  
Fireheart: Thanks! (Bounces away)  
Graystripe: Fireheart, thanks for letting Silverstream go.  
Fireheart: I have to apologize for trying to get you and Silverstream away from each other. It's your life.  
Graystripe: Then thanks for letting me live it.  
THE TWO LAY DOWN NEXT TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY FINALLY REALIZED THAT EVERYONE HAD LEFT.  
MEANWHILE  
Leopardfur: (Lands in Australia) that's it. No more attacking rabbits . . . (looks over her to her left and finds a cat sitting next to her).  
Darkstripe: (Waves) hey.  
Leopardfur: How'd you get here?  
Darkstripe: Kicked.  
Leopardfur: Flung.  
Darkstripe: Nice. (Does secret handshake with Leopardfur)  
Raincloud: (Appears in a puff of smoke) Hi.  
Leopardfur: How'd YOU get here?  
Raincloud: I'm a parody writer. I can go where I want.  
Yellowfang: (Appears in a puff of hairspray) Hi.  
Leopardfur/Darkstripe: (Stare at Raincloud)  
Raincloud: Don't look at me. I didn't bring her here.  
Leopardfur/Darkstripe: (Continue staring)  
Raincloud: Okay, maybe I did bring her here. But I kinda wanted to end the story with the Warriors theme song.  
Darkstripe: Warriors has a theme song?  
Yellowfang: (Plays the Warriors theme song on her violin)


End file.
